Week 24 Day 7

Deconstruct sensations and remain alert

Evening all. Today I did 2 meditations. One on awakening and one after a shower after I returned home. The reason I've done two is that I felt very foggy this morning and was yawning through the entire practice, constantly having to refocus. I thought how can I be tired I've only just woken up? I mused it might be that I was hungry, will test that tomorrow! 

From this morning:

Morning all! today I meditated for 40 minutes. 

As the practice progressed I became warmer and warmer to the point of discomfort. I observed my own aversion to this sensation. In the end I removed the blankets. it was still very uncomfortable so in the last 10 minutes I turn on the fan. However, the fan is only about 2 feet away from me so I immediately felt a chill on my left side and the cold air was blowing on my face and on my arms. It was then completely the opposite to boiling so I had a cold sensation which I had an aversion to and then I had to put the blanket around my body which seemed to calm this chill factor. I was still feeling fuzzy so I decided to experiment and to see how easy it was to fall asleep. I completely relaxed my alertness and found that I could doze off just like that!

So for the entire 40 minutes I had this blanket of haze which I felt I had to fight. If I did not fight it I would simply lose alertness and doze off. I did keep my eyes open for the last 30 minutes of the practice this did help but still I was feeling fuzzy.

I noted that my general mood was one of calm and perhaps boredom. I did note that there were not so many unfamiliar noises, I heard some birdsong. I heard a strange scraping intermittent noise from upstairs. I explored this feeling of boredom and tried to work out why I thought I was bored. Perhaps it was the the intensity of concentrating coupled with the ringing in my ears that seems to be a little mesmerizing, as well as the heat.  I often refocused myself after yawning and focused on deep breath and went through listening and seeing and feeling. This morning's practice was pretty tough but still interesting to notice that even if I get up first thing in the morning and think I would have the best energy that was not the case. 

 Evening session:

45 minutes, 5 mins metta, 30 mins noting, last 10 mins with eyes open.

So this evening I was in a meditating mood so I decided to see how I fared in practice. I was able to have strong feelings in the metta for 5 minutes. In terms of noting I could keep my eyes shut until the last 10 minutes, I decided to keep my eyes open.

I discovered what that strange noise was, my neighbour's son coughing! Doesn't sound good! I heard it yesterday as well. I cycled through the senses my breathing, hearing seeng and feeling. I observed that my focus was often on the warmth on my knees. My hands sometimes tingled and the warmth was very pleasant. During the practice I measured my boredom level. I was not bored at all, but felt very motivated and positive. Despite that I still nodded a few times but not as many times as this morning. For a while I focused on the noises from upstairs, this strange coughing noise and some music. I then flitted about from my knees, the ringing in my ears, the ache in my back and then some single thoughts were weaved through all of this. I did have some thought trails one particular one about solving a problem. A few itches came to the forefront but faded or my focus moved onto something else.  All this while the vedana was mainly positive I did not feel any irritation. In fact some of the time I felt a smile on my face as I felt a bit like an explorer this evening!

At one point I seemed to be dithering and observed everything at once, then went back to my breathing.

For the last ten minutes I sat with my eyes open, I realised I had closed my eyes three times, and one time I caught my eyelids closing . However, I am beginning to get used to practice with my eyes open and was able to have peripheral awareness of the warmth on my knees, the ringing and my back ache whilst focusing on the breath.

So in conclusion, although in both sessions I was tired, in the morning one I felt a bit helpless to stop the dozing. In the evening session, I felt much more alert despite having played golf, socialised, gone shopping etc. I was able to observe the drifting and stop it more readily. I had my eyes closed for most of the session unlike the morning. 

So the dilemma is that I cannot get up three hours before I head to work to make sure I am alert enough for practice, and if I leave it till the evening there is a chance that I could be mentally tired (particularly after work, today is a Sarturday, so not too much thinking!)

Anyhoo, tomorrow, I will eat something before practice and see how it goes. I still would like to practice in the morning as I feel it sets the scene for the rest of the day.

Hope you've had a great day and practice!