Week 12 Day 7

Week 12 Day 7

Medi object choiceless

Intention to observe thoughts equanimously

Good evening! Another evening meditation with nodding. I'm on the go all day and then when I sit down to practise my body thinks ok! Time for a nap! Also it's the only time I don't have sounds in the room, like the radio or telly. My poor body trying to do what it's used to and I am not letting it!

Metta on niece was interrupted with strange images. Kept on going back to niece to feel the feeling, managed for a few minutes.

Noting was fidgety and cold! I think I need to turn the heating up! I shivered a few times and focused on the physical sensations of being cold. It wasn't unpleasant vedana just neutral. I had to keep my eyes open but they kept shutting. Harumph. I also yawned uncontrollably a few times. Didn't get to sleep very early again last night. I think I may be subconsciously worrying about my parents. I don't feel particularly stressed consciously, but I think my body wants me up to think about it. Pach! I have a friend who routinely takes sleeping tablets, but I have never thought about taking those. I felt the cold in my feet where the blanket ended and my ankles are exposed. I heard the heating and saw the television (on mute) out of the corner of my eye but it didn't distract me, it was just moving the left part of my vision. I dropped off numerous times but came back to the breath, this is the situation at the present moment, tiredness. I had some itches but no aches,. I felt present but not relaxed, a bit on edge. I noted the aversion to thoughts of work. I felt irritated that I could not sit as I do in the mornings. My morning practices are much more serene, in the evening I have tiredness and thought trains to combat.

I thought about what Len said about disliking in others what I may dislike about myself. I've never thought about disliking parts of me except my physical appearance. Although I can relate some dislikes/likes to my family I don't often compare myself to colleagues. Usually because I don't often have strong feelings about them. I don't dislike the Room 101 candidate,  but sometimes you can socialise with people but can't work with them. [crank open door candidate falls into the abyss....]

I also felt hunger pangs. Not too unpleasant but unusual, my belly is usually always full. However, I had breakfast but nothing for lunch as we only played 9 holes and I wasn't hungry enough to eat then...now it's 6 hours later...my tummy is complaining!

It's odd having all these pangs tugging at you when practising, usually I'm all comfy and cosy.  It didn't detract it was just different.

Ok tadaaaa! Good news! I won the competition today and won £15! I was playing with the ladies vice captain (usually quite icy to me). But she was even icier when I hit my good shots! I can't help it if I happen to have a good day! She always thinks my handicap should be lower but it's not as though I haven't tried, it's already been docked one by committee.. So my victory was very nice! I did have to do mindful golf because there's not much conversation with the vice. Particularly since I told her I couldn't be on the committee.  What does she expect? Full time worker lives 30 mins drive from club...find someone else, plenty to choose from. I'll need to be working part time in order to do what she wants me to do.

Semi good news, Dad is recovering in hospital. Although he is still not quite himself he's getting there. However it looks like he will need a pacemaker. I will try and call him tomorrow and see if we can hold a coherent conversation.

Now tummy and golf awaits. Actually shower first...scritchy scratchy...