Week 12 Day 6

Week 12 Day 6

Medi object choiceless
Intention notice aversion and attachment 8 mins metta, 20 mins noting

Good evening! Today has been an unintentionally busy one. I was preparing the outputs from the workshops and also minding young grad's writing. So after that was done I dashed off to physio, then shopped...no pork scratchings still and then came back sat down did more work then had to clear fridge out as hole at back had blocked etc etc too yawnage to mention. I then prepared swede and potato mash and finally sat to meditate.

Metta today was the usual although I am getting more used to focusing on the feeling that evolves from thinking about loved ones, 

Today's noting was quiet and a bit noddy. I have to accept this when I meditate in the evenings, I even lifted my arms up for 30 seconds, helped for a bit. I was hearing my breathing which was long short whatever. I also had some thoughts of my family and of yg and tried to be equanimous.  For those who don't know he is leaving us on 6th March as his agency call off contract expires then. He started with another lad, and when I look at the list that the other guy has to hand over, I realise that we drew the short straw! Anyhoo...let me finish the journal of the practice. I wanted to note the point that I was about the drift off and managed a couple of times. There were no thought trails just thoughts. And tiredness. And damn itches, which we are all trying to be equanimous about! I am trying to be receptive and if it means I notice that I'm tired then so be it. I felt quite calm and chilled, that is a nice feeling, I am looking forward to dinner...steak! I peeked and there was about 30 seconds to go so I think this is a good duration for me at the moment. 

I watched some of the vids on Nick's YouTube channel about stress and sugar cravings yesterday. He explains that sometimes outbursts are a result of an underlying feeling, in his case worry for his daughter. I thought about my relationship with yg. And I wonder if it is because I am resentful of his presence that I get angry. I resent the fact that my boss foisted him on me so that I have had to mother and coach him as well as doing my own work. Perhaps initially I felt resentful that he should be doing some of my favourite activities whilst I ended up with the tough ones.  Also I note that my boss, although he agrees with me in private, does not show the same hostility in public....he is a bit of a wheeler dealer. It often gets him into trouble as he gets landed with a lot of extra work as he only complains when he's at the end of his tether. I am much more straightforward. I have a high work capacity and as long as I am able to control my destiny ie if I have an appointment I can leave to get to it, I don't care how long I work. However it did start to get a bit wearing when I was the only one in the office at 9pm. 7 ok...but 9 means I don't get back until 2230 a bit too much.  Anyway, in the remaining time he is with us I will attempt to practice mindfulness. I have observed my resentfulness, my aversion. And these feelings are impermanent. This is the theme across both videos...cravings and anger do not last. Like the itches. 

My father is recovering but looks sad. My mother says he is confused. I think he may need a pacemaker. I've see a few pix of him, he looks like he's been punched in the face, and where he hit the ground I think his glasses cut him on his face, above his eyebrows and below one eye. Poor guy...Anyway more in the Chitty chat.