Medi object choiceless
Intention: explore vedana pleasant unpleasant
Metta 12 mins, noting 35 mins, 5 mins Metta afterwards
Good
evening all! Was up most of last night so could not arise early to
meditate. But today's meditation was good and I was alert. So I think I
am learning I need to eat before meditating and not wrap up too cozily!
Last night I was up listening to Goldstein and watching to golf. Still
didn't finish watching the golf but the talk was very interesting. Hope
you get a chance to listen. I think the first hour is probably the most
interesting and he describes mindfulness meditation almost exactly on
the way Nick does. I'm not sure how you could understand much without
trying meditation first yourself so I am glad I've been practising for a
while (10 weeks! Wow)
Today's metta was betta
:-D I was able to focus on the feeling of loving kindness even after the
gong went to start noting. Now I understand a bit more about insight
meditation I understand more of where we are heading. The noting
practice was fascinating too. I felt alert and tried to accept those
itches equanimously. I noted the intention of moving so that I was more
comfortable. I accepted that I was averse to slouching. I also noted
that I had started to overheat again so just opened the blanket a little
but after noting the intention to do so. The imperceptible breeze
wafted around my hands and legs. Thoughts of people meditating came into
my head, of people making effort. Then thoughts about facing trauma. I
thought about the broken vase and the light shining through. All this
whilst being aware of my breathing and the periphery sounds, as I said
before like an onlooker. I then thought about one of the traumas that I
wanted to face in meditation. It happened 31 years ago. The day hub 1
told me he was leaving with no warning. I thought I used to recall the
detail meticulously before, but as I watched on I had even more insight
into that night. The sensation was unpleasant and I felt the tears in my
eyes but I was not overwhelmed. What I had never noted before now was
that when my husband told me he wanted to leave, he told me with his
back to me. He lay facing away from me as I sobbed uncontrollably. He
said he'd been planning it for months. But there I was the blissfully
unaware, unmindful 21 year old. The shock of his words stabbed me in
the chest. He left a week later and that was that. I watched this scene
unfurl towards the end of the noting, I was watching him....well his
back that is. When the bell went I decided to stop observing this
thought. The vedana was unpleasant. I didn't have that stabbing pain,
that choking feeling. What I felt was anger. Not excessively, but it was
there, I felt anger and pity. Pity for him. I understood what a coward
he had been that night...he'd long since written me off and didn't even
have the respect to look me in the eye.
I
decided that I needed a little metta after that. When I spoke the loving
kindness words, I felt very moved, moved to tears, but not in a
desperate way but in a strange way of release. The anger dissipated. I
will examine the events that proceeded after that day, there is a lot to
investigate. Yes, I am a soap opera on my own. Between my stories and
my parents' I could write a book! 50 shades of 'whateverrr'. (I nicked
that from a radio presenter, I thought it was very funny) The meditation
allowed me to look on on neutral safe grounds, with no intention to
feel sorry for myself. I have a friend who says to me "love and light"
when she signs off her emails. She says to me that to protect yourself
from harm you can imagine yourself surrounded in white light. A bit
hokey I used to think, but it actually works when you are meditating,
well for me anyway. I guess it's the antidote to feeling darkness that
comes over you if you are thinking about bad things. And then I opened
my eyes and there was a Facebook message from her waiting for me! More
loving kindness feelings!
As I said before, unpleasant vedana will always unpleasant vedana - but it's how you view it that changes things.
Metta
and hugs to you all, hope I haven't traumatised you too much, but I
really am grateful that I can post here and that you spend the time
reading my verbiage! And this experienced only made me even more
motivated to continue on this path.
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