2019 brings trauma

Today I am waiting. Waiting for news.

This news has focused me to clear my house ready for guests.

I restarted my meditation practice a few weeks ago. Before the news. Then the news struck. I look at those friendly reminders on my phone and just stare at them.

But today I will restart, I will. Later I will report on how the practice went.

Waiting is an interesting concept - it's an anticipation of something that may never happen. And our fabulous minds used to facts, make imaginary scenarios facts. I have experienced this in the form of Christian conversion. At 18, I thought I had a conversion experience. I now think it was an form of mindful insight.

I can remember the day almost so clearly. I was lying down in the sunshine, on the crusty grass outside the Halls of Residence - I was in the medics residence because I was there for Easter, and I recall trying to pray. I prayed and felt a moment of clarity as though all around me was impossibly in focus. Now at the time, I associated it with Christian conversion, but now as a reprobate, I realise it was an insight. The hours after glistened in the sun, I saw every blade of yellow grass as though I was looking through a photo lens. The world seemed insignificant and I was in bliss.

Years later, through trauma and trials, I left the religion with my husband. In one instant, it was over. There was relief that we didn't have to face the music, that we didn't have to flagellated verbally by our brethren. Actually what brethren. As it happened only 2 people came to see us - they had stopped us from going round to their house for a cup of tea because of their mother's ill health and I guess now she was dead, they had the time to focus on us. Probably around 2 weeks after we disappeared from the services. No other calls. In fact, when I met a church officer on the train platform on the way to work shortly after, he greeted me summarily and then on the train, sat down diagonally opposite me and opened his religious tome and ignored me.

See, those acts or non acts confirmed my non beliefs. I had been so close, been through so much with all these "friends" and no one came to our rescue, they were frightened/brainwashed by the religion - and I knew that they felt that if they talked to me it would be sinful or detrimental to their faith. I met a couple at the bus stop - and realised that I had been in some sub culture of religion and  yes...brainwashed. Duped. Wasted..

I set to putting my life in order, studying for the degree I should have had 10 years before. I set my life in order and started up the career ladder. After a few years my ex and I parted, and my life began.

Anyhoo 25 years later I am faced with news. It's amazing how much advice people give you that shows they've never been in that situation. I wonder if I did the same. I vow never to again.

So await my meditative practice report...I await for it myself with bated breath.