Week 20 Day 4

Week 20 Day 4

Medi object - choiceless

Intention - to remain in the present in a strange place!

Afternoon all! Meditation today was 5 mins metta and 20 mins noting before room service. The room was quiet again and I had already noted my aversion to silence yesterday so I did not feel irritated today. I had to hard reset my phone so had not quite set the notifications correctly so the phone buzzed a few times, which caused me irritation. However I did not fix it, I just let the buzzing happen.

I felt that the room was cool and a pleasant vedana. I observed that my breath was a bit ragged as I had been blowing my nose just prior to practice as my hayfever is starting. So the air through the nostrils was not as smooth as previously, plus a little tickly. I had to blow my nose a couple of times.

As I sat in the room, I noted that I seem to be a "all-inclusive" package today at times. There were moments when no thoughts were present, except for the thoughts to myself that there were no thoughts! The "all-inclusive" was the peripheral sensations of the breath, the feeling of coolness on the skin, hands on knees, feet on floor, ringing of ears and the seeing of the occasional flashing from the television which was to the side of me. That and the medi object which was a succession of relevant thoughts where I was an observer. Each came and went. These seemed to appear when I had the thought of a key word, such as "hotel", "breakfast", "work". How these words popped into my head I am not sure. If I was not all-inclusive that usually meant I had got stuck in the content, as I no longer noticed my breathing.

There were a few noises of pleasant vedana outside the hotel - only because it broke the silence. At one point I thought someone knocked on the door so I opened my eyes momentarily. The room service came, so I stopped at that point.

So, roll on the weekend, I know it's hump day, but I'm a bit lost as I've been staring out of this window every day for the last 10 days...

Have a great day and practice today!

Week 20 Day 3

Medi object choiceless awareness

Intention - to practise in a strange place

Afternoon all! Had to get to work before typing this and it was a glorious day today! Meditated until my room service (!) came. Got back to hotel

at 1am

last night.

Metta for 5 mins, then noting for about 20. Today the room was very quiet, as I meditated it almost felt a bit boring! Now I know why people like to meditate outside plenty to listen to. Anyhoo, it was exceedingly quiet in the room, all I heard was the ringing in my ears. I sometimes saw the light from the television on my eyelids. I also saw green light receding into the distance. Most of my thoughts were about how quiet the room was. In fact, could there be some aversion to the silence? Interesting. I observed the breath and noted the peripheral sensations - my hands on my knees, the moderate room temperature, the ringing in my ears. A few itches occurred, one I had to scratch and the others I let come and go.

Here's a nice pic of the walk to work.

L

Week 20 Day 2

Medi object choiceless?

Intention to remain receptive and alert. To see the arising and passing of thoughts

Morning all! Today I have the luxury of practising before I leave for work, because I will be working past midnight tonight.

.

I  started with focus on the breath and  the rising and falling of it. The ringing in my ears was very predominant. I noticed that sometimes my object is not choiceless, I sometimes draw myself back to the breath if I  want to refocus. There were many thought trains today and I tried to work out how they started and watched them until they finished. I observed that if I no longer heard my breath I was lost in thought. So for me I need to keep my breath in the peripheral awareness, so as not to be lost in the content of thought. Most of the thoughts were about planning as the next three days are unusual for me so I need to be clear about what I'm doing. However, interestingly, the people in the scenes were unknown to me although they were doing the things I had planned.

I had downloaded the timer on to a different device, and I think I had set the awareness bell for every 5 minutes which is unusual for me. However I continued and 30 minutes seemed very comfortable.

Physical sensations around the body were that there was a breeze around my calves and I could feel my neck ache for a bit and my back beginning to stiffen. I also felt a few itches but they came and passed.

Today I only saw blurry lights I did not see any floaters today it could be that I was not sitting facing a window light as I was yesterday.

I felt alert and even though I went into the contents of some thoughts I am beginning to workout when this happens so each day I learn more about being in the present.

Hope you all have a great day and practice! 🐽 💜 🐽

Week 20 Day 1

Week 20 Day 1

Medi object choiceless
Intention to practise in a strange place...

Morning all! Today I managed 20 mins in a meeting room. May do some mindful putting (!) this afternoon.

The clock in the room was mesmeric! The tick was so loud. I started observing the rising and falling of the breathing, one of my nostrils is a bit blocked due to hay fever season. I only noticed this a few minutes in. It appears that the calmer the mind and the more focused, one notices more as one goes along.

The tick of the clock was fuzzy, i.e. although the tick was at a particular time, there was an echo that seemed to make it longer than a split second. I could hear the ringing in my ears as a continuous noise with oscillations. I could feel my hands on my thighs and also around my body was a coolness which was slightly unpleasant. I shivered under my armpits(!) first on the left and then on the right.

I noticed in this session that my alertness wavered and interestingly it was as though when my attention was brought back to the area in the front of the mind I felt more aware, and when my attention waned it moved dropped and moved away from that area. I found the clock very hypnotic and now I know why people use a ticking clock to try and sleep!

My colleagues have gone to watch the Grand Prix highlights! I'm going to go and do some more meditation! Be backson...

Ok! Back with another journal of meditation! I did a full 30 minutes because I thought my colleagues would be away for at least an hour and when I got back to my desk they were already back looking a bit forlorn because the highlights were only 20 minutes!

So now to another meditation. I chose a different location to avoid the very noisy ticking clocks in meeting rooms. The sun was shining outside, blue sky, green trees and concrete buildings made for very pleasant vedana! As I started I observed my breathing and the ringing in my ears, I noticed the sounds of various bits of office equipment on standby. I felt my hands on my thighs. For a while I watched the floaters in the vitreous humour in my eyes, at first they were extremely clear, they looked like bits under a microscope, and when I moved my eyes they moved. Interestingly later, as I started to see colours, the floaters became blurry and moved into the background.

No shivers this time, the temperature was pleasant. I felt happy to focus on the practice without worrying about going back to my desk (little did I know...). I realise that as one sits in one position for longer duration, different things happens. More light shows, an itch or two (one I had to deal with near my eye, one I let be). Alertness is challenged and I can feel the alertness drift to the back and then to the front of my mind.

Anyway, nearly checkpoint time, so I'll sign off, I'd rather be out on the golf course than in here but not long to go now! Have a great day and practice!

And it's week 20!

Week 19 Day 7

Week 19 Day 7

Medi object - choiceless

Intention - to be aware of sensations in a strange place

Afternoon all, today I am at work, so I had to sneak out to a meeting room to do 15 minutes practice. Tomorrow I will be do the meditation early before I start work. We are just waiting around, just in case but I can't be gone for long. I did contemplate meditating at my desk but if I'm around my sociable colleagues chat to me!

I mainly focused on the breath, initially having my earphones in, but I decided after 5 minutes to take them out. Prior to that I heard the end of the in breath and the end of the out breath clearly. I heard the ringing of my ears. I felt the sensations of my hands against my knees and my feet were crossed. Thoughts of the day arose and passed.

After I removed the headphones I realised that there was a very loud ticking clock in the room I was sitting in! Did not hear that at all with the ear phones in! I practised with my eyes open and continued to hear the ringing in my ears, although my breathing was not so clear. Half way through an announcement came through the speakers (we'd been having these all day) that the fire alarm testing was complete.

Keeping the eyes open often means that I find a tendency for them to want to shut as I drift off. I felt a shiver over my body - didn't realise I was cold but may be the air was cool.

The weather is so fine and crisp today, when I leave I will be making a little trip to Whole Foods on the way home...

Hope you have a great day and practice!

Week 19 Day 6

Week 19 Day 6
Medi object choiceless
To observe sensations as clearly as possible

Morning everyone! Today the tube is emptier because it is Friday. I am on data duty...have to go and pick up a data extract from a supplier.

Today I did 23 mins noting. I was squashed to one side side of my seat by Mr Hulk to my left. I noted my aversion  to to this squashing. I also have forgotten my work I'd so planning thoughts about that came into my focus and passed. About 10 mins in a splash of earphone leakage arrived...it was surprisingly Vivaldi's Four Seasons - Spring. Retro thoughts of aversion came into my head as husband 1 had taken me to a concert where the orchestra was performing that piece...which I was basically sick of as we had played it so many times. I was so excited to be taken to the concert but gutted that I had to listen to that again!

Got off the train, looked at the ad again and as my connecting train came in I noticed that the woman's blouse had embroidered flowers on it!

Hope you have a great day and practice!

Week 19 Day 5

Week 19 Day 5
Medi object choiceless
Intention to observe all sensations without vocalising

Morning all! Today's practice was 23 minutes noting. I started observing the breath and then quickly moved the sound of a woman on the phone enunciating slowly in a foreign language. Planning thoughts came in and I observed their content like a video. Sounds of whirring and the rumbling of the train were prevalent throughout. As we reached Acton Town I opened my eyes briefly and the sun shone brightly in the carriage. I listened and watched for a while until I disembarked to wait for my next train. The woman standing in front of the green blue painting was in front of me again. I tried to see what was on her pendant but couldn't get close enough. The drips of paint still irked me. I boarded the next train and got a single seat. The woman opposite me is either going to garden or work outside or has very dirty trousers on, make up - two rosy cheeks. I continued for a few minutes then sneeze alarm ended the practice.

Felt a bit weary today and not so alert, but still tried to keep the medi object in focus and all the other peripheral sensations in tact even though it didn't feel as together as it could be.

Sun's shining! Go out and get some rays! Have a good day and practice!

Week 19 Day 4

Week 19 Day 4
Medi object choiceless
Intention to remain receptive and alert

Afternoon! Back to work today and tube practice. Around 30 mins. Today I observed the breath to start with, but felt tired and noted my aversion to travelling today. Negative thoughts of work drifted in. I was ok when I got to work but will need to gird up my loins to remain positive and alert. As the breath cycles continued two women got on and stood near me. Unfortunately it was very hard not to hear their conversation (diction so clear) as they were the only ones talking so I had no choice but to listen in. They were initially standing then one sat next to me. The conversation was flowing and didn't stop even as I got off to change trains. I followed into the content of a thought trail a couple of times as I didn't feel as alert as I normally do. I continued on the other train for a few stops. I think the weekend has caught up with me...had a great weekend but fairly hectic.

Ok short post today, have a great day and practice!

Week 19 Day 3

Week 19 Day 3

Medi object choiceless
Intention: to practise!

Morning all! 35 mins metta and noting today.  Still in the conservatory but I debunked into the living room to avoid duvet practice and heat exhaustion.

I started with observation of the breath but there is a loud ticking clock in the room so I focused on that a bit. I also followed a few streams of thought from start to finish, may have drifted into the content of one.  Today I'm a bit sniffly, I think it's the cat.

I saw some momentary green swirls in front of my eyes. I could hear some noise from upstairs and then some footsteps. 2 polite barks at the door and I knew I had to let him in (not the owner of the house, one of the dogs). Zero came in to say hello but I stroked him a bit then let him be sitting still with my eyes shut and he went and curled up on the other sofa. As I left the door open a waft of cigarette smoke came into the room with cold air, I now realise it was as a result of my friend smoking outside the back door.

A few more cycles of breathing, the other dog came in for attention and few pats then I ignored him for a few seconds with my eyes closed and he moved to another sofa to nap.

Conclusion - dogs more mindful than humans! No chance of just keeping my eyes closed and ignoring my human hosts!

My nose demanded attention and  it was just past the 35 min mark so I decided to stop to await human intervention which Interestingly still has not come after 30 mins...

Time for breakfast. Have a good day and practice!

Week 19 Day 2

Week 19 Day 2
Medi object choiceless
Intention just practise!

Morning all! Today 10 mins metta and 39 mins noting.

I am at my friend's house so on comfy airbed in conservatory. However one problem is that it is East facing...so at 0745...blazing sunshine which heated the room like a cooker!

I started the meditation lying down but felt low energy so I sat up. As I sat I was slowly cooking so I eventually used the duvet as a sun screen resting on my head.

Metta of 10 mins on my niece, struggled to keep focus due to the heat.

Noting began with observation of the breath and then I observed a few thought trains. As I cooked in the conservatory oven, my focus often went to the unpleasant vedana of heat.

The heat seemed to burn through my head onto my eye lids but the duvet screen helped. I tried to keep the breathing in my awareness and the ringing in my ears. Difficult in a strange place.

I continued in this manner for 39 minutes until the lady of the house arrived back from night shift and the dogs barked their welcome. I then got a blonde doggy alarm in reality who calmed down whilst stroking but I has to stop when my friend came to say hello. 

Sun is blazing, off to Bakewell to the market! Have a good day and practice!

Week 19 Day 1

Week 19 Day 1

Medi object choiceless
Intention to observe all sensations when they arise and pass

Morning all! Today's meditation is 30 minutes 5 minutes metta 25 minutes noting.

I maintained maintained a vision of my niece for most of the time and tried hard to feel the aww factor but it was quite difficult to find.

For noting I focused on the breath for a few moments and then cycled around the senses hearing seeing feeling. As always i could could hear the ringing in my ears and also I heard several different tones of ringing. I heard the heating coming on in the house. And my neighbours getting up. I also heard someone sneezing several times it's hay fever time. I felt the coolnes on my arms,and my hands on my knees and sometimes my hands felt like they were in a different position ie they were up turned. When I focused on seeing I could see green and purple swirls every now and then. As for thoughts I observed some 'to do' thoughts but I just noticed them and allowed them to come in and leave. There was a scene of a child going up some steps in a place like where I grew up. This child was taking something to someone. But that thought also passed.

For about 15 minutes i felt alert but seemed to be entombed in my awareness of my hands the ringing in my ears and whatever lights I saw in front of my eyes,  and alongside the thoughts if there were any. The breathing was always there. Usually I swallow automatically a few times in the sessions but today I was able to note the beginning of the reflex and to stop this. I also tried to notice quality of each of the sensations. The ringing of the ears was quite interesting in that I noticed it was not just one sound but in fact a collection of sounds with a lower note appearing for the first time.

The final bell of the practice came soon with no peeking.

Now I am going on a road trip first to pop in and see Elizabeth and then to some more friends.  Hopefully I will find some time to practice at my their house. It will probably be in the loo!

Hope you all have a great day and a great practice!

Week 18 Day 7

Week 18 Day 7

Medi object choiceless
Intention to be equanimous and observe how thoughts come and go.

Morning all!  Today it's quiet and it's an environment with pleasant vedana to practice in, temp just right, neighbours nor scraping around or arguing upstairs.

I started with 5 mins metta for baby Dean, every day is precious.

At the start of practice I noticed a familiar whirring noise which I had always thought was my laptop. I was listening to that intently and had to bring my attention back to focus on my meditation object in metta.  When I started noting, I started with the breath and this whirring noise in mind I moved to listen to this noise and concluded that it was my sky box. Having worked out what it was I felt more settled and tried to keep my peripheral awareness as wide as possible. I noted the rising and falling of my breathing, then I observed any light in front of my eyes, I could hear the sound of the whirring and also the ringing in my ears. I felt my hands on the knees and my feet in my slippers firmly on the floor.

I had more relevant thoughts today in my awareness. These were thoughts of planning as I am going on a road trip tomorrow I started to think of what to bring the thought then just passed. A thought about an incident in the golf club came up and I  watched that and felt some irritation, and then I watched myself hit a golf ball with ease....the irritation disappeared. I had a couple of dominant itches , one on my right ear and I could feel my hand about to go to it but instead I observed its rising and eventually passing. In between it was very intense, I noted how it really calls apon the habit of scratching. At the same time I felt another itch on my nose not as extreme but still as demanding. But as ever in the end they faded, but I can still feel the itch on my ear. My neighbours are slowly getting up so I can hear some activity upstairs. Today I did not look at the clock at all,  I resisted the urge to check the time and the timer behaved itself and the bell rang for half time and then finally for the end without consultation.

I felt that for most of the time I was focusing on my meditation object and my peripheral awareness was very strong I felt that I was ready for anything. I did note the slightest start of a nod towards the end and I  congratulated myself as this is a much earlier note than ever before.

Off to golf, hope you all have a great day and a great practice.

Week 18 Day 6

Week 18 Day 6

Medi object choiceless
Intention to remain receptive. To observe thoughts

Posting now although practised this morning. ..actually completely forgot I'd done it! Doh!

Started with 5 mins metta focusing on my niece.

My phone kept on beeping due to faulty charging cable,  so I had to investigate it midway...grrr...

Thoughts came into my mind but instead of pushing them away and going back to the breath I entertained them today and allowed to come in and fade on their own. I noted that the scenes didn't always finish. I observed some thoughts about plans some about work, a few about my niece.

I had an itchy ear which prevailed throughout the practice as did an itchy chin towards the end.

For several minutes my breathing was quiet and I could sense the ringing in my ears, feeling my hands on the knees and seeing all at once whilst the thoughts continued.

At very end I sensed the beginning of a nod and brought myself back to alertness.

The room temperature was comfortable and the atmosphere was quiet. Swirls in front of the eyes moved with the breath so I watched those for a bit. Very alert and I  felt I was receptive. Tomorrow I will focus on equanimity.

Golf was fun today although one of our group insisted on playing to score which made it less relaxing...but in the end my handicap is 9 better than his so he does need more help! Haha! Sometimes the guys forget that women can be just as competitive but do not always have to play to win....after all its only a game!😁

More golf tomorrow if the weather holds out! Have a good practice today!

Week 18 Day 5

Week 18 Day 5
Medi object choiceless
Intention to observe the arising and passing of thoughts

Morning all! I read the 7DMK Day 3 pinned post and was reminded about thoughts.  So today I am observing them. I started with the rising and falling of the breath, then noted the whirring sounds and announcements. There was a chap having a loud phone conversation at the other end of the carriage. My focus however turned to my face and how cold and uncomfortable it was, the tube was warm but there was a draught blowing through. I noted how my skin was almost painful from the breeze. Thoughts  arose about labelling and then about a story I wasn't part of. I watched to the end and did not pursue the content too much. My neighbour's music was occasionally too loud, I noted my aversion. As I got off the train, I continued yesterday's muse on the poster opposite me. There was a bitter wind howling up the platform - very unpleasant vedena I have to walk up and down to try and distract myself. The connecting trains are not as frequent as the Piccadilly line so I had to wait an agonising 7 minutes for the train. The woman in the picture is wearing a beige cardigan half buttoned with a matching tee-shirt underneath. What I didn't notice yesterday was that she has a diamond shaped pendant hanging from her neck. The paint job still looks untidy and I notice that the top part of the painting is green/blue and then there is a section which is brown and the last section you can see is beige. The next frame is of a man playing a trumpet, then the next is the familiar woman with a black hooded cloak on. The woman painting doesn't seem young enough to be of retirement age, so is the advert saying that you need to start early to get a decent pension? I boarded the train and continued with open-eyed seated meditation. The train was quiet today, and the moving next station sign is very mesmerising. I decided to stop and journalise a few stops later.

I also noted that I was so engrossed in trying to write this post (as my phone decided to play up) that I arrived at my station suddenly - glad I had a mindful moment at that time! Roll on the long weekend, I'm craving it!

Week 18 Day 4

Week 18 Day 4

Medi object choiceless awareness
Intention to be equanimous of all sensations

Good morning all! The sun is shining but it feels bitingly cold . There are sounds of coughs and sneezes on the train.

Noting today with the intention of being equanimous. All sensations allowed good bad or ugly. At the start I felt a hunger pang in my stomach, vaguely uncomfortable. I started with the rising and falling of the breath but was soon drawn to a hearing sensation of unpleasant vedena. I thought at first it was headphone leakage but it turned out to be someone watching a video on their phone without headphones.  I noted my minor irritation. Thoughts of activities came into my head, I watched them until they faded. Tis the season of hayfever so I am now sniffly. Actually very irritating. An itch above the left eye brow came into focus but I observed and watched it invite me to scratch. These itches eventually fade but not completely, so a little urge is always there. Although the children are now on holiday the trains are packed. There's are general busy buzz about them. I got off the train crossed over to my usual spot and decided to observe the advert in front of me. The words are "big things come from small beginnings". I observed the space between the letters, the G fascinated me the most -  it was like an arrow pointing upwards. Behind the words is a picture of a woman holding a paintbrush  I assume that she is painting. However her nails are well manicured and her clothes unblemished. The painting is of a greeny blue scene and there are drips of paint at the top of the painting, which was unpleasant vedena because it looked untidy to me...argh! The next train arrived.

Anyhoo have a good day and happy practice!

Week 18 Day 3

Week 18 Day 3

Medi object choiceless
Intention to be equanimous of all sensations experienced in practice

Morning all! Today a tube meditation of sorts. Seemed to lose my timer, probably did around 25 mins. 5 mins metta the rest noting. 

I initially observed the breath but as much as I tried my scarf was just on the verge of tickly.  I tried to accept the sensation but in the end had to remove the scarf. I did not have a good night's sleep so am a bit bleary eyed. Thoughts came into my mind of Supervet (what I was watching last night). Interestingly I started to bake half way through.. the sensation was not pleasant.. I think the combined  sun on my back and the heating made for a superheating effect. Strange since 10 mins before it was breezy and cool. My clasped hands became unbearably warm. The usual rumbling and some whirring  happened uncharacteristic of that style of train.

Must have no caffeine today! Yesterday I got a free coffee from Starbucks which resulted in profound alertness at 2am even though I was exhausted during the day.

Tomorrow I will repeat my intention as I did not feel I was equanimous enough to all sensations! Have a good day!

Week 18 Day 2

Week 18 Day 2
Medi object choiceless
Intention to remain receptive

Morning all! Yawn! Today I am weary after doing a few long shifts to monitor work at the weekend.

My intention today was to remain receptive to any sensation that arises. I spent a few mins in metta for young Dean...hope he continues to fight!

During noting I watched the breath but my focus was on the sensation of coolness and then coldness on my face. It was very breezy and the doors were open a long time at stations. The Piccadilly line sounds were squeaking and rumbling with announcements. Interestingly the district line does not squeak but there is a constant whirring noise in the background. I had a few thoughts - one of that awful film Battleships with Rihanna...perhaps it was because I had heard one of her songs Black Widow on the radio before boarding the train.

I felt that my eyes were damp not because of sadness do to seeing that film but because of the wind in my eyes. The tears evaporated from from eyes with a cooling effect.

It's sunny today and I thought to keep my eyes open but there was too much to see so I shut my eyes and then didn't notice the light much except at the beginning.

Phew tired already and not even at work yet! May have to have a sneaky nap in bogs!

Have a great day and practice!

Week 18 Day 1

Week 18 Day 1

Medi object choiceless
Intention: stay alert through practice

Afternoon all! Today I did 45 minutes in total - 10 minutes metta followed by 5 minutes focusing on the breath, and 30 minutes noting.

For metta, I focused on an image of my niece for the main and I was able to keep a stable view for around 30 seconds at a time. I kept going back to the image and trying to maintain focus.

For breathing focus, I found that even 5 minutes was quite difficult. I looked at the clock with about 30 seconds to spare.

I proceeded with noting beginning on the rising and falling of the breath and tried not to vocalise the labelling. This meant that I could note much more quickly but it also means that I had to remain alert to drifting. My intention for this practice was to remain alert throughout the practice I  noted that on two occasions I nodded, but came back quickly. I think that in a seated position, it would be hard to completely fall asleep.

In middle of the second half of noting I noticed a sweet smell which has now disappeared. I'm wondering if it was something near the radiator as the heating came on halfway through. Sounds arrived of my neighbours watching the television and walking around upstairs. In terms of thoughts, I did not see any poignant ones, only images of random people. I could feel the solidity of my body and my knees and hands were melded together. In front of my eyes I occasionally saw the purple and green swirls, but I did see some flashes of light but that could ave been the television because I'm sitting next to it. There was an itch on my nose which I duly noted and observed until it went away.  Tried not to manipulate my breathing although I think that when I returned to focus on the breath I may have taken deep breaths to bring myself to it.

It's the second day of being on call for work but everything is going to plan. I have done a lot of decluttering and dealt with paperwork. As I sat down to practice, there was the briefest of planning thoughts but I put those aside, - how the mind tries to trick one into thinking about the future rather than the present.  So now after practice today I'm moving furniture!

Hope you all have a fantastic day and a good practice.!

Week 17 Day 7

Week 17 Day 7

Medi object choiceless awareness
Intention: noting noting and more noting!

Afternoon all! Today I did 3 15 min practices one after the other. The first and last 15 mins were noting, the middle was contracting on the breath.

Epic failure yesterday, I completely forgot that I had an evening appointment but at least it was a team event so it wasn't that bad besides the fact that my team decided to name their team Where's Liz so that means that 100 people know that I didn't turn up instead of just 5.

Today I was weary but I started noting vocalising then stopped doing that after a few minutes. The ringing in my ears was particularly loud today and often remains for a while after practice. Breathing was long but seemed harsh, I watched some lights flash I front of my eyes. I felt my hands melded to my knees and the warmth of my body...in fact it was too warm, I had to take my fleece off the last 15 mins.

The breathing third was interesting and actually quite difficult, I looked at the clock once and then had to refocus myself a few times to listen to different parts of the breath. But I made it.

The last noting session was a bit dozy to start off with but after I took off my fleece I remained alert. I had a mega itch in my ear which I did tend to and the guess what, it came back so I just bore it...observed it grow and fade. My neighbours were active upstairs, and I could hear my PC hard drive whirring next to me. It seems that the weather has become damper, I can feel it in the air.....

I'm  at home this weekend hoping to catch up of the continual decluttering of my flat. I have packed up some clothes and shoes and as soon as I receive a delivery I will be heading out to the charity shop...more stuff gone!

Have a great Saturday!

Week 17 Day 6

Week 17 Day 6

Medi object choiceless awareness
Intention: to note quickly and accurately

Morning all! Today I had a bit more time to practice, so I did 45 minutes in total. I had set my timer for the usual 30 minutes but felt reasonably alert so did an extra 15 minutes at the end. I was interrupted by the doorbell with 18 minutes but passed the SNAT test.

Today I felt alert and my intention was to note quickly, I started with 5 minutes metta and then proceeded to noting. I began with the rising and falling of the breath, the sounds, the feelings in my body and the light in front of my eyes. At first I was vocalising, and then I began to note without vocalising and and it provided a very calming yet intriguing environment. I was able to observe some thoughts and realised that each time a thought came into my head it was preceded with an image,  I had started to think about future planning. In the middle of the practice a very wide pair of eyes appeared in front a of my eyes,  an image over a black and white scenery - was very strange and shocking. I have been thinking about watching a film, and so images of that film and of how I was to watch it must have drifted into my mind.

My body was as though it was a soft but solid block, and I could feel my breathing as well as hear the ringing in my ears and feel my presence on the edge of the bed all at the same time. During the extra 15 minutes, thoughts came into my head more frequently. But I did nonetheless remain alert.

I'm hoping that this weekend I will be able to do longer meditations because I am on call for work so whilst I am not working I have to stay indoors. So I'm hoping to do more tidying and practising. No golf (sigh) but I get paid for these two days so that is the benefit.

Happy practising!

Week 17 Day 5

Week 17 Day 5

Medi object choiceless
Intention observe sensations and stay alert

Morning all! Today I was glad to get back to practice on the tube. Amazing how the mind becomes used to something.

Around 25 mins noting. I started with focus on the breath and then started to observe sounds. There was a running conversation further down the carriage and the squeaking and rumblings of the train was reassuring. At one station the familiar  Mind the Gap announcement continued until the female voice announcement on the train seamlessly reminded us where we are. The iconic Mind The Gap announcement has not changed for the 35 years I have taken the tube as an adult.

The carriage was breezy and I felt the cool air on my face -  pleasant vedena. A few flashes of light in front of my eyes but in the main the sounds were predominant today. My neighbour on the right was fidgeting, drinking and eating. Two young siblings got on the train and argued about a score..and the mother feigned ignorance about knowing how to play stone paper scissors.

I started to feel a bit weary although not less alert as the realisation of the long weekend ahead dawned on me. At least I am at home this weekend. 

Thought trains there were a couple but of no significance.

Yesterday's evening meditation was refreshing so may try that again this evening. Have a great day!

Week 17 Day 4

Week 17 Day 4

Medi object choiceless awareness
Intention: a short meditation sitting cross legged. Observe physical sensations.

Evening all! Tonight a late one, although I did do some meditation on the tube it was fragmented so I have done a short mediation tonight for 15 mins. I started focusing on the breath and then moved to choiceless noting. It's quiet here, I could hear the radiator clicking but interestingly I didn't hear my ears ringing that much. I felt my legs not quite crossed but I am trying this position out so that eventually I can sit on the floor. Won't be easy, my hips and knees are very stiff! My timer is still on the fritz but never mind, it's late and so there was some nodding. I felt calm and peaceful as though in a familiar and safe place. I have been reviewing my goals for my practice and that has helped refocus my motivation.

Work has and will be tough over the next few weeks so I'm looking forward to exploring my mind and observing the stresses and strains in meditation.  Roll on summer!

Week 17 Day 3

Week 17 Day 3

Medi object choiceless
Intention observe raw sensations clearly

Morning all! Today no hog breath but a mini tube fart. Had to put my scarf up to avoid smell  - aversion!

5 mins metta and 25 mins noting. Today the breeze through the carriage was pleasant on my face, the day is bright so the light danced on my eyelids.  Sound included announcements, door alarms, rumblings and some peculiar  squeaking which probably was a loose seat.

Thoughts came up of planning but now I cannot remember what they were, at times I lost the sensations of breath but when I realised I returned to them. 

Spent a few minutes not labelling by vocalising which allows more freedom but then let's  me drift off if not careful. Very pleasant vedena indeed to drift from sensation to sensation, with the purple and green swirls appearing in front of my eyes again.

There was little conversation until a woman got on at Boston Manor and then we all heard her conversation clearly. For me, I would not want 20 people listening in but I guess you get used to it.

Today is another busy work day as will be the rest of the week. Gonna sign off now so that I can post this, have a great day!

Week 17 Day 2

Week 17 Day 2

Medi object choiceless
Intention note accurately observe unusual sensations

Morning all! Today another brisk but sunny day. Today 25 minutes noting on the Piccadilly line.

Bad breath seems to abound today!  Someone here as I write is reeking. As I started my noting I observed the announcements, the door alarm and tube  rumblings.  A couple sat either side of me a few stops later. The woman had bad breath the man I believe was eating a sweet because I could smell the fruitiness. ..almost like Red Bull. They did not speak often but each time they did I got a waft of sweet and halitosis. I thought they were going to the end of the line but got off at the same stop as me. I accepted the unpleasant vedena pondering about dental hygiene and thanked my dentist for ridding me of gum disease which was causing my daily hog breath for years!

The sounds were very prevalent today as was the bright light on my eyelids. Thoughts today were of the 18th hole currently my nemesis. Thoughts about yesterday's show (Fascinating Aïda) popped into my head. ..was an amazing show, the group has been going for over 30 years. I observed the last thought to the end as an observer.

Lots of plans in my head for the week and in the coming months...time to offload them so that they do not impinge on practice.

Off to the daily grind. ..not long now before the summer holidays! Have a great day!

Week 17 Day 1

Week 17 Day 1
Medi object choiceless
Intention observe pleasant vedena

Morning all! Today I am doing pre golf practice. Today's practice was 5 minutes metta and 25 minutes noting.

I started with metta for a baby fighting for survival and then extended it to my family. My father is finally leaving hospital on Tuesday, I saw some pictures of him and he is looking much better.

For noting I started with three deep breaths and then started to note  the rising and falling of the breath, I heard the ringing of my ears, heating noises and neighbourly noises. I felt my hands and my knees as one solid block and my feet were firmly on the ground. Every now and then a bird chirped outside the window. I could clearly see a swirly purple and green and black image show on my eyelids. I also could occasionally feel or notice my entire body as a warm being in this pleasant and quiet surrounding.

I got lost in one thought, it was about work - a planning thought but then I observed it as just a thought looking at it and watching it end. I also decided to think about thoughts of my father going home. And watched images of him walking around the house.

The general environment this morning was positive and pleasant. I found that I could easily focus on all the senses with the breath in the background - the movie show in front of the eyes and the house sounds and physical ringing of the ears. I allowed my focus to go wherever it wanted to and it focused on the persistent ringing of the ears and then it moved down to my hands. I tried to focus on my index fingers and did feel some pulsing and buzzing. I also tried to experience pleasant vedena, and realised  that this place felt safe  to explore this practice.

Thoughts of golf came into my mind starting of images but I  observe them until they finished.

I observe that if I meditate first thing I have the right amount of energy, there is no drifting off, and the observations seem more vivid. I think that I will have to try and change my schedule so that I can meditate at home before work at least for a few times during the week.

OK  now I'm off to golf! Hope  you all have a great Sunday! 🐽 💜 💜🐽

Ps I dictated this post and then edited it and Google talk wrote 'vagina' instead of vedena! Oh Lordy, now I know why people get into so much trouble if they don't review what they write! Hope you have pleasant vagina I mean vedena today! 😁

Week 16 Day 7

Week 16 Day 7

Medi object choiceless
Intention observe raw sensations and label

Evening all! Today 5 mins metta and 25 mins noting.

Today's metta session focused on tiny baby who is fighting for survival. Hope he makes it. 💜

Noting starting with breath. Heard my neighbours talking,  the heating going a bit crazy, ringing in ears. Then felt my hands and feet. Also shivered a few times I don't feel that cold but maybe the body feels it! Felt very positive and alert. Did nod a few times but got right back to it. I saw swirls in front of my eyes and thoughts were on golf. Wonder why? 😁 I'm very happy to be able to practise in peace and each time I returned to the breath I acknowledged that I noted it and did not berate myself. In fact I don't usually berate myself in practice but sometimes I have an urge to finish sooner than planned...but I usually  make it to the end. And the timer worked property today!

Came 2nd in golf comp today, very happy with progress at the mo, looking forward to warmer weather. Was very nippy today!  Shots are going further due to playing in winter and having to use longer clubs, irons need some practice though! Nuffield golf geeking!

Hope you're all having a good weekend!

Week 16 Day 6

Week 16 Day 6

Medi object choiceless
Intention observe raw sensations and label

Evening all! A late one today after a very busy day. I started with 5 minutes metta  and focused on my niece. I saw a clear image of her after around a minute and was able to focus on the feeling for a few seconds at a time.

The meditation bell was up the spout  again, but when I tested it after the session it worked fine grrr.. Noting was tough today, I was tired so nodding was noted quite a few times. I persisted with the cycle of rising falling tasting touch seeing hearing smelling when I could but went off on thought trains a few times. I shivered Anyway s fee times but did not feel cold. It is as it is but felt an aversion towards sitting the whole 30 minutes but hung on. Hopefully tomorrow will bring a more refreshed body to the cushion.

Week 16 Day 5

Week 16 Day 5

Medi object breathing and choiceless
Intention observe the quality of the attention and try to notice the beginning and the end of sensations

Morning all! My ears are cold! I had a quite a radical haircut last night and that's the first thing thing noticed as I left the salon. Brrrr. 

Today only 71 breaths before losing count as a couple with very clear and loud voices boarded the train.

I followed my usual cycle of breath touch taste seeing smelling hearing. It lasted about 4 or 5 cycles. I felt my hands clasped, neutral taste, some faint perfume smell which got stronger as I observed it, seeing white light and then hearing. Hearing those two people (age 40ish)  who got onto the train. They moved to directly in front of me and my attention was so drawn to them I found it hard not to listen in.

The conversation seemed neutral enough, work decorations etc blah blah. Then the woman said my shower's too big.  Blah blah I'm going on Saturday to the bath store would you come with me, you don't have to blah blah. Guy said sure then something about Legoland. She wanted a second opinion.  Blah blah more work stuff some guy doing stuff for Sound Of Music and has gone skiing. Anyhoo opened my eyes towards Hammersmith to observe these two characters that had got entangled in my practice and allowed me to get lost in the content of their story. Blah blah..then SNOG snog giggle  snog (how many more?) Snog. Subtle not. Think the guy was getting off at my stop. Aha. Ok. Understood.

Well that derailed my practice somewhat, so it's not my thoughts that distract me it's other people's! Ha! Probably best not practice with the East Enders on then.

Week 16 Day 4

Week 16 Day 4

Medi object breathing 100x and choiceless
Intention observe start and finish of sensations

Morning all on this nippy spring day. Today I only made it to 50 breaths before realising I was double counting, I was distracted by the squeaking of the train.

Some nice guy has just given me his seat...so I don't have to hang on for dear life whilst typing this.

Today I continued to go through the sensations one at a time, observing whatever came up. Today strong perfume exuded every time my neighbour moved. The taste in my mouth was neutral and if not there does it mean does not exist? Seeing today yielded swirls and flashes on my eyelids. Touch was my clasped hands and the gentle movements of the perfumed woman as add she used her phone. Hearing was squeaking, announcements, phone calls in foreign languages. Thinking today was a train of thought about a young person...not sure what and how that arose but it disappeared as soon as I felt my breathing. There were a few itches all competing for my attention none more prevalent than the others. I opened my eyes and the brightness of the light attracted me...a great mood enhancer! Still not able to notice the starts of thoughts, tomorrow I will continue. I've noticed the thoughts I have now are random, not relevant to me.

The tube is now packed but I'm in one of those single seats which means I'm not squashed against someone...just pressed into a slot! Happy hump day, and happy  practicing today.

Week 16 Day 3

Week 16 Day 3
Medi  object breathing 100x, choiceless
Intention observe the breath and detailed noting.

Noting starting with breathing then cycling through taste touch sight smell hearing. Today the taste I observed was neutral in my mouth, I observed the sensation of my hands clasped and my feet on the ground. I saw light on my eyelids of no particular colour. I observed smells of perfume and stale smoke. The sounds were rich and complex - child coughing, speaking, announcements and rumblings of the carriage. I cycled through the breathing and senses several times.  No thoughts had the opportunity to enter the mind, except thoughts of which sense I was trying to observe.

Have progressed in Ingram's book to Part 3, any one there yet? It was timely that I came across Leigh Brasington's site as he is a jhana teacher. The MTCB text requires re reading!  Anyhoo I may achieve my goal of posting before work! Have a good day everyone!

Week 16 Day 2

Week 16 Day 2
Medi object choiceless and breath
Intention to observe the breath and go through noting cycle.

Afternoon all! Today's noting practice 25 mins. Today I decided to see how many breaths I could count before losing count. The answer is 58! Thought 100 would be easy but guess not! I decided to do this after reading some articles on Lee Brasington's website. I then moved to more general noting where, as I breathed, I noted all the sensations in each sense, seeing, hearing, smelling, touching and once tasting...not necessarily in that order.  In the main there were loads of sounds to be observed, and also lots to feel - hands clasped, feet on ground, occasional itches and once pain down right side of face. I noticed some thoughts took me into the content but now cannot remember what they were, only that I knew that I had drifted into them. I returned to the breath and continued.  Tried to keep still as I realised that any sharp movement or deep breathing would disrupt concentration. Towards Hammersmith I felt restless as I didn't want to miss my stop.

I would say in the last couple of weeks, despite all the stresses and strains of difficult work situation, I have been extremely upbeat. Could it be the right brain activity has increased? I hope so! Also, I have been clearer about what I'm doing this for - to be happier and "to be able to investigate things as they really are"...Have a good day and practice!

Week 16 Day 1

Week 16 Day 1

Meditation object choice list
intention: to see the detail clearly

Today's meditation pre golf. The meditation timer appears to be playing up again with random ringing.

5 minutes metta. I did find that I could maintain the feeling 4 a few minutes. I had to keep on imagining the image, today the metta was accompanied by purple and green swirls.

For noting,  I started with the breath and then moved to the ringing of my ears to hear the different sounds within the ringing. My neighbours seem to joining me, this must be the time that they clean the floor. Amidst the rising and falling of breath I heard my neighbours, the heating sounds, the ringing in my ears, felt the sensations of my hands on my knees and my feet on the ground. I did see some thoughts again one particularly of a clown who was looking at me. The people don't seem to speak. When I turn myi focus back to the breath it disappeared. The cycle of breath , hearing, seeing (I was seeing black moving across my eyes  towards the left and then back towards the right), the feeling of the hands on knees, feet onground that actually kept me very occupied and I felt sometimes that bizarrely out of body. I was alert, I was not dozing, but I observed myself doing all these things. The random bells were a bit annoying, so I had to keep on checking the time as I was time bound today. For the last few minutes I focused on my index fingers and felt a pulsing and buzzing whilst trying to keep hold of all the other sensations breathing, hearing, seeing mainly. 

After practice, I shot off to the club,most took some notes to write this up. Played golf in the drizzle but it was fab. Love being outside. Hope you all had a great day!

Week 15 Day 7

Week 15 Day 7
Medi object choiceless
Intention check alertness, receptivity, equanimity after practice. Notice the detail!

Good afternoon everyone! Today I decided to have another go at my living room and have managed to clear out at least one sack of rubbish. Today's meditation was 30 minutes with 5 minutes metta and 25 minutes of noting.

I felt I was alert but I still noticed that I nodded off a few times. I observed that this was when my breathing seemed to disappear from my awareness . So towards the end I tried to keep hearing my breath . I also felt that besides the usual hearing, seeing of light,and going in and out of thoughts , I sensed the outside of my body I am not sure why but I felt the clothes on my arms and the air around my head. I heard my neighbours talking and the heating clicks I tried to listen in detail. I was a bit fidgety today and I adjusted my position several times. I observed that when a thought train progressed it was usually after an image had popped into my head. I would go back to my breath and the thought would fade. Each time I noted the rising and falling of the breath the sounds , the light in front of my eyes , my hands and my feet how they felt, if I maintained this cycle I found that thoughts did not creep in. However when the breath disappeared either I was nodding off or I had proceeded down a thought train. There were a lot of thoughts today mainly about instruction. Full of people that I didn't know, but I did observe one thought from start to finish of a woman looking at me, I'm not sure what she was asking, but I was able to look at the thought and and observe it until its natural end. And then I returned to the breath. I resisted opening my eyes to check the time, and soon the final bells went. I sat doing the for a few more cycles and then I came out of practice.

So...now to golf or more tidying??? That is the deepest question I must answer today! Happy Saturday to all of you!

Ruby Wax - Sane New World

Lo lo, I said I would give you an overview of this show. I believe she has a book that accompanies this tour but it's been out for over a year now. So Ruby has completed the MSc in Mindfulness Cognitive Behaviour Therapy at Oxford. I looked at that and you have to have a degree in neuroscience or psychology or something related before you can do that.

Anyhoo, back to the show. As usual Ruby Wax was her scathing humourous self. She posted a few questions if I can remember the Q1 was Why are we busy? Q2 Why are we screwed Q3 What are hormones Q4 was ummm not sure...

"Why are we busy" was a monologue on why our culture seems to worship busyness, i.e. even if you are woman who "lives of the fat of your husband" as she says you have a completely full schedule - coffee, pilates, coffee, yoga..and then she said what is the benefit of being able to kiss your ass from the front and behind...that is typical Ruby. She explained a bit about her battle with depression and that the last time she was depressed she was unable to get out of a chair for 5 months. It was after that that she started to investigate ways of trying to prevent this.

She also went through a bit of simple science about how the amygdala is stimulated through thoughts and then the insula is strengthened by observing our senses - feeling, looking, smelling, tasting, hearing. Interesting. She talked about a few hormones/chemicals, cortisol and dopamine in the main - cortisol being the hormone produced when we are stressed and dopamine which is the reward and pleasure neurotransmitter (I had to look that up). She suggested that to reduce cortisol levels we should practise mindful moments when we get a chance.

She did say throughout the show that we can change our mind using these techniques but they take practice and training.

Before the break we did a mindfulness exercise of sitting with our backs off the seats, and then just focusing on our feet, then sounds, then the breath.

The second half was a QA session. Was quite interesting but there were some bizarre and detailed questions - one was about a woman's 9 year old son who was anxious and fearful. Another was about raging hormones during peri-menopause and the final question was from the guy next to me - how can you keep motivated to practise after (I presume) going on a mindfulness course - he said that the very next day he didn't want to do it.

Loads of fun, and my friend really enjoyed it too.

Ok off to see how I can do neuroscience with the OU.....

Week 15 Day 6

Week 15 Day 6
 Medi object choiceless
Intention focus on the basics and labelling.
Good evening all. Today I had a fidgety and tired practice. I counted that I yawned 7 times! It's the end of a hard week. I tried to stay focused on my breath, it was a quiet time, my neighbours weren't in and the heating wasn't on. I heard the ringing in my ears. I felt my hands on my knees and I thought I would keep my eyes open but that didn't stop my eyes from closing. Sometimes it's easy sometimes it's not so easy. But this is what I must accept...can't always have it easy or wait until ideal conditions arise. It's the weekend now hooray!

Week 15 Day 5

Medi object - choiceless
Intention: watching the world go by!

Good afternoon! Today's tube practice was broken into two parts (or may be several) as the District line was delayed. Even when I stepped back on the Piccadilly line and went a few stops on, the connecting train was still 7 minutes behind. Harumph.

Anyhoo, I started so I decided to soldier on. First leg was the usual noisy bumpy hearing feeling sensations of the tube plus the trying to sense the breathing. Spring has sprung so the air was not so harsh so I could feel balmy air on my face.

[Temporary pause whilst getting back on train, then walking to next platform]

Sat on the platform to meditate! Busy, noisy fascinating. I heard the train announcements and the hustle and bustle of people. I watched as the first packed train came into the station and decided to continue until the next train came along which was alas in 30 seconds. I got a seat(!) immediately and continued my practice. Breathing, announcements, a feeling of urgency (as I was late), thoughts about thoughts. Thoughts about how to stop biting nails...It appears that when you are travelling you can sit and close your eyes and no one bothers you! However, if I were to do that at my desk...well...umm. Or in the kitchen...Weirdo!

I have decided to do some walking tonight, so I will so some walking meditation, the weather is cool but not unbearable...Ok need to go and get anti-nail biting kit from Boots (nail clippers, hand cream).

Hasta la próxima!

Week 15 Day 4

Medi object: choiceless

Intention: labelling and being in the present

Toilet medi! Yes had to be as I am out this evening and from past experience, the spirit is willing but the body is weak if I try to meditate too late. This morning I was still weary from the night before so on the tube I read some MTCB instead. Might have to re-read that section as it was Ingram was talking about lists and lists, so I may need to write them down to remind myself. It was good though.

Ahem well, toilet meditation then. I set myself 15 mins as that is probably max time to spend in the bog. In fact it is quite a pleasant location to meditate besides the vague toilet smells. There is an automatic air freshener, next time(!) I'll need to sit near that.

I followed my breathing and felt the pulsating of my fingers, my feet on the ground. I saw white in front of my eyes. I can still hear the ringing in my ears (oh dear) but it doesn't detract. I listened with interest when a couple of women (I presume!) came into use the facilities, what they do they do in that cubicle that makes so much noise? I don't ever remember ripping the toilet paper out of the holder so that it sounds like its coming off the wall?? Anyhoo, the funniest and maybe the ickiest thing is that they left the toilet WITHOUT HANDWASHING! EWY SICK! I know I can sometimes be the briefest of brief with handwashing but no, the first two definitely just walked passed the handbasins to the exit! The third one went to the sink. The fourth (in 15 mins) was loitering in the toilets - fantastic trumpet noseblowing and um...well other toilet noises. I had to smile it was a very entertaining 15 minutes. So it was a partial success as the toilet users were a big distraction, although I guess they formed part of my meditation! There is another loo at the end of the floor which I think is not used as much, and the cubicles are even larger. I will try those next time.

Still I felt calm with mind focused on breathing, noises, feeling and occasional seeing. So it is possible providing the smells are acceptable.

So tonight off to see Ruby Wax, will report back. And will see my dear friend Denise, not sure if we'll get a whole of time to talk but will be lovely to catch up. Hasta luego mis amigas!

Week 15 Day 3

Meditation object choiceless

Intention labelling and noticing pleasant vedena

Today I was hungry, not sure why as I did some stress stuffing yesterday. Anyway that slight gnawing in my belly was present in my practice. 20 mins noting on the tube. The journey seemed particularly rocky today. Tube fart! arrgh just before Northfields made me open my eyes and push my Buff scarf over my nose. Coincidentally (or not), the women next to me got out some perfume and squirted it on herself, so pleasant vedena was restored! It was very noisy so I could hardly hear or feel my breath, so I had to focus on the tube noises that abounded. The train was particularly busy as I had to be in for an early meeting. Besides feeling hungry, I observed a bit of joy joy feeling and decided to open my eyes to survey the surroundings and take in the balmy and sunny weather exuding from outside the tube train. Could it be spring coming? I focused on my hands for a bit, but no buzzing, just solidity, I also observed my aversion to the woman engulfing her seat next to me and as she operated her phone.  No seat on the second leg so read a bit of MTCB. May be I was daydreaming, but I've got to the point about equanimity and how if we are not mindful our practices can be like psychotherapy, daydreaming or self-absorbed, spiritually-rationalized, neurotic indulgence in mind noise...wow that's a crazy sentence at the end...but it is true! You can get so drawn into listening and watching everything that's going on in your head that you forget the objective of the practice. What is the objective of the practice...more happiness, more acceptance of life? Hmmm...I definitely need to think about what I want out of this practice and not just do it as a kind of intellectual massage!

In the past few months, I have definitely been less stressed and also more observant about my habits...but there is one thing that I have noticed that I have never thought about and yesterday I was doing it with a vengeance...nail biting. Now I'm not one of those who continue to bite until bleeding (sorry a bit gross) but today I was just musing and I thought, that would be a great habit to kick. I will attempt to curb my nail biting cravings...! mm now to fix that craving for food!

Week 15 Day 2

Week 15 Day 2

Medi object choiceless
Intention observe raw sensations and see where thoughts start and finish.

Oo very late evening all. It's no wonder drifting off was part of my practice. 5 mins of metta and 25 mins noting. Today naturally low energy, but I accepted it. I did stand for about 10 mins in the second half of the practice which was unusual but did stop the dozing lol. 

Focusing on breathing, rising and falling, noting the beginning and end of each in and out breath, hearing the heating and ringing my ears. I occasional saw lights in front of my eyes but probably due to the tv being on. Trying to spot when thoughts started and ended, could do it with the end of a thought but did find myself in a thought before realising. Some of them started with images and some started with sounds. As I stood later on I tried to sense my hands and individual fingers and felt a pulsing but they still seemed solid. My feet felt solidly on the ground. I sat down for the last 6 mins or so. I felt alert, but would find myself lose my observation of breathing and either lost in an thought or a quick catching observation of a doze!  Well I know I shouldn't meditate last thing, but this morning I wasn't able to do much on the train.  Still happy to have practised today, best head to bed for a good rest!

Week 15 Day 1

Week 15 Day 1
Medi object choiceless
Intention observe raw sensations and label,  observe how thoughts feel.

Evening all, practised this morning but made some notes before hitting the golf course. 5 minutes metta and 25 mins noting. Metta was good, able to fixate on feeling for a while on and off.  Today very Spring like and I felt very upbeat. The room was quiet, but amongst the rising and falling of the breath I heard the neighbours speaking, the heating clicking and my ears ringing. I felt my hands on my knees and my feet in the ground. There were occasional itches but not as bad as yesterday! My energy was not as high as last night, so felt a drift or two but I was glad to have noted them. I had some thoughts about golf and some other thoughts which I couldn't even remember just after the practice. I tried to see how the thoughts felt and how they came and went...not easy and I think I didn't really get it. In the 2nd half of the practice I did focus on my fingers and felt some buzzing and pulsing. I started to feel a bit hot so my energy fell and I sat up straighter to avoid dozing . The bell volume was better today. Pleasant vedana mainly and felt energised afterwards. 

Played a great round of golf on my home course and the conditions were much drier today and the greens were in excellent condition. Right off to watch a film now...happy practising!

Week 14 Day 7

Week 14 Day 7 

Medi object choiceless

Intention label clearly note vedena note index fingers 

Evening all! Today a late meditation but was very alert for all of it. Not dozing. I realise that you have to adjust the energy levels during the practice so if I feel a bit weary I need to add more energy into the practice by sitting up more straightly. So far have never been over excited so have not had the need to reduce energy by lying down!

Started with 5 mins metta on niece with hands on heart, was able to focus on feeling for a few mins but had to keep searching for images in my head. Then I moved onto rapid noting starting with rising and falling, sounds of heating neighbours ear ringing, then feeling hands against knees and feet against floor. Also seeing lights on my eyelids. Went like this for a while then the half way bell rang really loudly...ouchy unpleasant vedena! Then about 5 mins into second half my right ear itched like crazy. With each rising and falling of the breath the itch pulsed! Man felt really itchy and the urge to scratch. Went on for about many cycles of breath and then other itches came along but this was the mother of all itches. It didn't really fade that much when focused on my index fingers. I tried to alternate feeling one finger then the other and I thought I felt it for for a few moments going back and forth but then I could feel more pulsing and tried to go faster. I thought am I really sensing this? I tried with middle fingers and felt the same pulsing through each finger. The noisy bell went, I'm going to have to turn the volume down on that bell! I continued to sense my fingers for about 5 more minutes. Then had a good old scratch! I know it'll come back but I'm not suffering with that itch all night!  Felt pleasant vedena because of even breathing and the hands on the knees felt very secure. 

Today had a great day out on a different golf course. We lost but it didn't matter had nice company. My partner took his golf crap too seriously towards the end he was very angry. I just ignored him...what did he expect we are not the A team and we had only just met each other! For these mixed friendlies, it's mainly seniors who play during the week that play, I only play at the weekend. So I don't know half of them. The club we were playing at is expensive, some of the hosting players are snobbish. Luckily not our group but they do play twice as much membership as us...they have a spa and hotel attached to the courses. Still not quite worth it for me...! Tomorrow back playing at my lovely little course. Hope you all had great days!

Week 14 Day 6

Week 14 Day 6

Medi object choiceless
Intention observe raw sensations and label

Good evening! A short practice today, interrupted by delivery of takeaway...yes  delicious takeaway at 10pm. Been a crazy day only finished work at 9.30pm. Anyway today's practice was short but sharp, even though it was late I was alert, the rising and falling of the breath was very obvious with various noises, feeling my feet on the floor, my hands on my knees. My hands were strangly pulsing and buzzing, and I found any itch I seemed to be able to dismiss. I did 5 mins metta which was pretty good, but have to try hard not to go back to noting. The takeaway arrived early but I out it aside and did another 10 mins before eating. The metta was very mood enhancing as was the thought of yummy takeaway!

Week 14 Day 5

Week 14 Day 5

Meditation object - choiceless

Intention: Labelling clearly

Another sunny morning assisted with the journey in to work, although now I am feeling somewhat jaded due to sleeping at 0330.

Read some 365DOM posts and commented as I have not done so for a few days, sorry!

Tube meditation was intermittent again (half practising, half telling myself to focus), but not surprising due to lack of sleep, but I will need to learn to impart more energy into the session or have it another time. I watched the rising and falling of the abdomen, This was interrupted by earphone leakage of 2 Sia songs "Chandelier" and "Elastic Heart" - I listened for a bit as they are two of my hot faves at the mo. The two men either side of me started phone conversations and I momentarily opened my eyes and the women opposite me wearing a tartan jacket looked alarmed, she may have been looking at me! The sun was shining and I felt warmth on my legs and the light danced on my eyelids. In the past I would have just practised on the first leg of the journey but now I want to explore more on the second leg as well, so I try to quickly jot down my happenings in the practice as I get off the tube. Len and I were talking about trying to remember what happened in practice and I find that if I post at the end of the day it's all concept, just can't remember.

I am feeling quite groggy at the mo, plus stressy as I am taking on my boss's work as well, the decision making is draining.

Yesterday I hit some balls at the range and bumped into an old golfing buddy so it was lovely to catch up. We both as keen as each other so we often are the only ones (women in any case) on the range. I also use a gadget called a Zepp which does some swing analysis and I got 97% on two shots and that is super motivating! Wish we had a medi Zepp so that we could check on our progress in practice!

Week 14 Day 4

Week 14 Day  4

Medi object - choiceless, hands
Intention - labelling clearly, noticing as many sensations as possible quickly

Afternoon all! It's a lovely sunny day here in London. Hopefully this will spill over into the weekend. Today on tube medi, I continued my quest to sharpen my labelling. I started with the labelling of the rising and falling of the breath which was interrupted by two women having a conversation - which stopped whilst they looked at their phones (I peeked), half way through some Bhangra music came on as some guy was watching his lime green Tab 4, the announcements, the train drivers jollifying. I also saw light on my eyelids and warmth on my right leg (which I conceptually perceive at sunlight!). My feet were firmly on the floor. Sometimes I felt as if my breathing wasn't there, particularly with the musings in the past few days about vibrations and impermanence. For the second half of the journey I focused on my index fingers and tried to sense their impermanent presence...I felt pulses and buzzing...what exactly is this. More investigation required. The District line train was a yummy new one, they are soo much nicer than the old trains so there was a lot of space. Oh I tried to meditate on thoughts as per MCTB, but was quite hard, again more to practise.

I have my new Hudl and it's pretty good - it's very Google oriented which I like, and it's high definition and half the size of an iPad. So I will be able to scrutinise MCTB (Mastering the Core Teachings of Buddha) more easily on my travels!

Today am having an "easy" day, and if I have my way I will be leaving early and hitting the driving range! Now starts the ramp up to summer....bring it on

Week 14 Day 3

Week 14 Day 3
Medi object choiceless
Intention labelling clearly

Afternoon all. Phew what a day! Just finished scoffing my ______ {fill in the gap...you know I love em} after a frantic day trying to get all things done. Ran a meeting, updated all documents relating to that meeting, Plus set something up early, so no need to worry about that tomorrow.

Today's practice was better than yesterday, in that it was not so dispersed. I labelled frantically and managed to note quite a few sounds but they don't half come at once! Sights, feelings, smells - I believe someone let out a tube fart (argh! I had to be equanimously receptive). Unfortunately I went down a planning thought rabbit hole but managed to extricate myself from it. Second half of tube journey I was standing and when a seat came free and I was too far away for me to get to it, I cursed - is this attachment! As I stood I was musing about solidity and impermanence. Is Ingram saying that EVERYTHING is impermanent and that we are all made up of tiny vibrations? I'm reading page 17 (again). It states "Things come and go. Nothing lasts for even an instant! Absolute transience is truly the fundamental nature of experiential reality". Ooookay. So I'm trying to think that only what I sense exists. So if I can't feel my hands, then they don't exist (at that instant).

I guess we all think everything lasts forever. My mother grew up from aged 12 in a flat in downtown Kowloon (Hong Kong). 40 years later, the landlord managed to evict them. They moved to the place they now live in (they don't like moving around much...). I had lived most of my Hong Kong life in that flat.  I was in the UK already as they moved out. I returned a year later...the building had been razed to the ground, a year later a 30 storey hotel was in its place! Ok so this is rather chunky as an example, but for me it demonstrates that the things you think are going to be there forever, disappear in an instant. Mind you the place I lived in at Muswell Hill between age 0 to 6, is still there! May be reality is different in London than it is in Hong Kong!

Ok back to the grind! Speak later!

Week 14 Day 2

Week 14 Day 2

Medi object choiceless
Intention observe raw sensations, labelling accurately

Today's tube practice was a bit dispersed. I tried the same labelling method as yesterday but it was tough, I had to open my eyes for a bit, not sure why. I tried noting the rising and falling of my breath and then the sounds, feelings and sights I sensed. There were loads of sounds almost too many to note ...still have to work out how to stop vocalising. It was still pretty exciting, but the noise did make it harder. Thoughts of work planning came and went. I whatsapped my mother first as well so only meditated for around 25 mins or so. But wanted to  find out about Dad. Anyhoo, I've had such a crazy day, I really wanted to practise before starting work. So I felt a bit on edge. 

I'm starting to try to do some present moment sensing, eg sensing my feet, how they feel on the ground, and getting used to the idea that these sensations are impermanent and during practice if you don't feel it, it doesn't exist...now that's hard to take in. So used to feeling everything is solid. In yoga we talk about grounding the hands and feet, to have good solid contact on the ground. But every sensation doesn't last. And by the time you are conscious of it, it's gone...pooof!

It also means that suffering doesn't last either. The craving, the pain, the anxiety. The mental construct that is "I" makes us suffer. Well, I need to ponder on that, and work out whether that true for me.

As I was standing on the tube today, there was a man muttering to himself...Man talking to himself never a good sign.  I did look hard to see if he had an ear piece, but he opened his bag and took his pass out of a plastic wallet...umm OCD? My colleague does it as well, it sounds like Gollum! 

Hopefully after a good night's rest, will be ready to face tomorrow's practice! Let's be 'aving yer! 

Week 14 Day 1

Week 14 Day 1

Medi object choiceless
Intention observe raw sensations and label, then focus on fingers

Good morning! Today I practiced 30 minutes with the intention of splitting the practice between general noting and more focused viewing. I started labelling, the rising and falling of the breath, hearing feeling, seeing. I noticed that I vocalised these labels in my mind. I could go quite quickly probably about 4 a second. To go faster, I tried to stop vocalising as much and just use the word 'note' to replace the labels but still I felt that I was thinking about the words. And so I noted that I was noting! 😁 I observed the purple and green swirls in front of my eyes as well my neighbours arguing, itching, the heating system, again and again and then I noted about half way through that the heating system was missing. I listened out for it in anticipation in each cycle of breath but for a few minutes it wasn't there. This led me to think upon what I read in the last few days about when the sensation isn't present it doesn't exist. Yep labelled that thinking and told myself to get on with the job in hand. 15 minutes went by very quickly, my mind was very alert, it was quite exciting.

I continued to note in the last 15 minutes, but I also focused my attention on my hands and index fingers. I felt a pulsing and buzzing through my index fingers possibly momentarily not feeling one but the other. I mainly felt the right index finger and not the left. When the bell went I returned briefly to noting and saw the swirling in front of my eyes and heard breathing, felt the tension in my chest, heard my neighbours, and then I decided to finish.

Very energising today, more momentum, more  labelling, less wondering WTF I was doing. More attention. Definitely less time for thoughts to enter into the mind, and if they did it was quite straightforward to label them as such. I did have some thoughts and labelled them and then moved on. None of the thoughts were particularly attention grabbing.

This invigoration could be due that I am refreshed after my slobbing out day yesterday and the events of friday are leaving my mind.  Note to self, work on getting a job that permits alternate duvet days!

Going out to play a round of golf ⛳ it looks like the sun is shining! I hope that you all have a lovely day, and I look forward to reading your posts when I get home. 🐽💜🐽

Week 13 day 7

Week 13 day 7
Meditation object breath, thoughts
Intention note start middle and end, label all sensations, observe thoughts as sensation not looking into content

Today's meditation was split  into 2 parts. The first I focused mainly on the breath and the second half I did some index finger exercise and focusing on thoughts.

I observed the breath and all its parts and noticed the beginning, somewhere in the middle , and the end of each breath. I noted that sometimes the sensation of breath disappeared the end of the out breath.

I also noted interesting swirling of purple and green in front of my eyes and I focused on this for a while.

Without vocalising, it was quite easy to notice the passage of breath rising and falling in my abdominal area. Although I found it easier to follow it up to my neck at the end of the in breath and then down to my abdomen at the end of the out breath.
Time went quickly, and 15 minutes soon passed.  Not sure if I managed to sense any more than 4 or 5 parts...definitely not a chain of sensations. ..

In the second half of the practice I thought that I would experiment with looking at thoughts and their beginning and end. I found myself delving into the content of one thought, but tried to back out when I realised I was dreaming. It was definitely more confusing as I have not used thoughts in this way. I also for a few minutes focused on my index fingers and having re read the passage in the book several times I tried to feel when I actually felt the fingers. I noticed that there was a buzzing and that maybe I caught it just once or twice that there was a sensation of one index finger and not the other. The idea that sensations are impermanent and that the mental image the finger happens after the physical  sensation has gone is quite mind blowing . I may need to eat bancakes to muse on this 😂

This practice was quite energizing, and I  now realise that in order for me to develop, it is useful to understand the theory behind the practice. I have spent nearly 3 months meditating without really understanding what we are aiming for. Feels good but needs a higher purpose. And reading Ingram's book has boosted my knowledge and has nudged my practice on just a bit. However I will have to keep re reading that section about the three characteristics! It's dense!

Well it's nearly 2 p.m. And I have spent the morning reading and practicing. I got further than page 16 thankfully and there are so many interesting things to try, I will have to keep rereading.

I think the aha that I have obtained in the last few days is that the practice must be at the sensate level, and that I have a tendency to try and interpret and analyse everything I do. However it is not useful to be interpreting the practice but just to experience it. I need to evaluate the practice based on the goals that we received at the end of 30 DOM  which really were just about being mindful in the present moment. Nothing else, nothing fancy, just accepting observation of sensations at the time of practice. I'll need to refresh those goals in my head before I become some whacky geekoid who frantically draws on books foaming at the mouth and occasionally waves a golf bat around...oooooarrrrrr me mateys. I have just blurted this out hope you are not in a coma...if you are ..Wake Up and Eat the Roses! hehe I have a card with a picture of a donkey eating roses with that saying in it! And talking of eating...mmmmm 🐽💜🐽

You are all beautiful inside and out...jus ' sayin'

Week 13 Day 6

Week 13 Day 6

Meditation object index fingers then choiceless

Intention observe raw sensations 

Late meditation today, resulted in some nodding and I decided the stop at 25 mins as I was falling asleep. No time to practice or to breathe today non stop. I sat with my hands on my knees and I observed my index fingers, I felt some buzzing and tried to feel them alternately. I did move from one finger to the other quickly as Ingram suggested like table tennis but I wasn't sure what I felt. I did this for 15 mins and then moved to general noting. Today was fidgety but I determined to sit, I felt my breathing, my nodding and thoughts, non specific, some odd ones. Anyway a bit of a non event today, felt neutral calm and ready for the weekend!

Week 13 Day 6

Week 13 Day 6

Meditation object index fingers then choiceless

Intention observe raw sensations 

Late meditation today, resulted in some nodding and I decided the stop at 25 mins as I was falling asleep. No time to practice or to breathe today non stop. I sat with my hands on my knees and I observed my index fingers, I felt some buzzing and tried to feel them alternately. I did move from one finger to the other quickly as Ingram suggested like table tennis but I wasn't sure what I felt. I did this for 15 mins and then moved to general noting. Today was fidgety but I determined to sit, I felt my breathing, my nodding and thoughts, non specific, some odd ones. Anyway a bit of a non event today, felt neutral calm and ready for the weekend!

Week 13 Day 5

Week 13 Day 5

Meditation objects - index fingers, breath

Intention: To feel raw sensations and impermanence

Best laid plans of mice and men went very pear shaped. I really wanted to post before I got drowned in work but it just didn't happen. After reading Ingram's book, as I read past page 16 there was an aha moment. Ingram talks about mainly focusing on sensate level I order to progress in this type of practice. His exercises on page 16 and 17 are really interesting and so I decided to give the first one a try.

My meditation object today was my two index fingers. I couldn't put them on my knees but I ended up clasping my hands. I still managed to keep peripheral awareness of breathing and other noises but paid attention to my fingers. This is an exercise in impermanence, as our sensation of a solid finger is made up of infinite sensations all joined up together by our very clever brain. Or rather that is the only way our 'mind' can cope. I tried to see if I could notice the sensation of each finger alternately. I felt some buzzing and I was focusing on one and the the other...but it was tough! Well that kept me occupied for the whole journey and I even tried it on the way home just now. Trying hard to feel those raw sensations really kept me alert. In fact after the meditation I was completely buzzing and seemed to be super observant. I did have thoughts but labelled them as such and sometimes they would interfere but I just labelled them and went back to the fingers. I also tried feeling sensations of the breath but that seemed much harder. He also suggested observing the front and the back of your head but it seems weird but I don't really feel them! 

After reading the text about impermanence, I understood that our mind labels a sensation after it's actually gone to form what we call consciousness... A string of sensations from an solid group of sensations. Mind blowing.,Ingram's book is extremely dense so it's a very slow read but really worthwhile. It'll late but I'll read a litre more tonight. 

The Flamenco show was absolutely fabulous. I had had a crazy day, dealing with boss's work, handing over as yg left, trying to catch up with my mother. Oh and sorting out card and gift for yg and when he opened it he thanked my colleague instead of me, argh. Then as he left he dumped a pile of I collated presentations on my lap. True to the last. I had to kick him out as I didn't have the time to waste whilst he chatted with my colleague. Enough...

Tomorrow will be Bisy Backson again but I think I will be saved from going into the office (to deal with the pile of papers), I will call in a favour. 

I will investigate this sensation level again tomorrow. 

Week 13 Day 4

Week 13 Day 4

Medi object choiceless
Intention receptive equanimous observations of raw physical sensations and thoughts

Today tube medi was smooth. The train was oppressively full from very early  on. I observed my breath being there and the rising and falling was omnipresent.

I observed a sudden extreme itch below my left nostril and thought right you,  let's be having you ala Delia Smith. I noted the intensity grew,  the urge to scratch was enormous. I mused if we have these insatiable urges to scratch what other habitual urges do we have for other sensations. This is our safe place to explore these things. Then another itch appeared at the side of my head and for a while  they competed with each other bit then the side itch became more dominant and the other one that was previously very intense faded but remained on radar. Another itch appeared and again the intensity became dominant but the other two remained present but no longer seemed to require attention. The three itches cycled in attention seeking...scratch me, no scratch me! Each time I just observed the sensation the urge faded. As this was going on something touched my hand, I opened my eyes it was someone's bag, I took note that I had passed the SNAT test. There was a child being obstreperous and arguing with mother I presume  but only he was heard. As I got off two women had huge rucksacks on the floor one moved her bag the other didn't resulting in me treading on her supposed toe  and she shouted something non English at me..I turned round but it was too late I was already bodily on the way out of the train, next time move yer bag lady...I've only got little legs!

Father now has pacemaker and is now eating strawberries...so,must be getting better.

 

Week 13 Day 3

Week 13 Day 3

Meditation object: choiceless

Intention: stay alert and receptive. Keep the breath inn periphery even though not main focus.

Today, the seated meditation in the tube was awkward for some reason, so I decided to do a standing meditation on the other tube which was much better!

So I boarded the train at Hammersmith station and stood in roughly the same position for the journey with the exception of letting someone out of their seat. The journey started in the open air before going underground. As I looked out of the window, I noted my breathing and then every so often my focus would turn to my feet as I would be balancing as the train chugged along. I could feel my feet on the floor and the floor seemed to be uneven at times. I gripped the handlebar at elbow level. As we approached West Kensington - I watched the cables along the wall, the purple ones (my favourite colour).  I saw some grey square bags...they looked like body bags but I think they were just holding some rubble or rubbish on the track side. Two Cantonese speakers got on at Earl's Court and stood next to me trying to work out where they needed to go. I observed the signs, the one closest to me said Priority Seat. I love typography and the London Underground use a special font. The dots on the i's are diamonds, I love that detail. As we pulled into Sloane Square (I think) there was an ad on the wall which said "You'll find someone who will like your "dad" jokes....join us at...and then the text was so dark you couldn't read it. (match.com advert) Hmmm a typographical erreur Monsieur.  Then next to the advert was a sign saying "Sand bin"...I had been pondering my conversation with Andrea about starting a non-meditation related blog, and I thought I might title them with phrases and words that I see on the underground. As we went underground, I observed a fuzzy reflection of myself in the window. I thought how my jowls had grown over the years and that I didn't realise that my mouth had become so downturned when closed. I did try to rectify that but short of grinning it was very difficult to make it neutral...must be the jowls! I didn't realise how much I had to balance on my feet whilst standing, it felt like I was on a surf board! So not sure if that constitutes a practice or if it means than I was practising mindful standing! Anyhoo...it was fun to be able to use the eyes to observe.

Week 13 Day 2

Week 13 Day 2

Medi object choiceless
Intention observe raw sensations without conceptualising

Evening all! Today's tube practice was again on a quieter train which was very pleasant vedana. After reading Holly's post I thought I would investigate the breath more. I definitely had to be relaxed otherwise the breath seemed a bit forced. Looking for start middle and end was fascinating. ..as Holly said middle could be  everything in between start and end! I then remembered Nick saying that the breath is actually made up of infinitesimal parts joined together. That helped because I imagined that a breath was cut into little pieces...However. ..that is conceptualising!
Even if I think about it now it does depend how long my breath is to whether I could spot the middle before reaching the end.
The air was cold and I felt a shiver...but was it down my spine as they say? It does ripple down the body but seems to radiate out down the arms...Thoughts of gratitude about my health,  job and life came through my head. I sat for a while and listened into people's activities. ..There was a child reading out a phone number. I listened closely to the announcements and the voice of dulcet tones. I'm wondering if this is the woman that got sacked for making up silly announcements...how do you get a job like that?

Today was busy but not frantic. Yg confusion, he said he may not be going on 6th March, argh. But my boss said the programme will noy pay for them after that date. I had lots of tasks relating to the workshops last week but I managed to whizz through them. Da boss was in grumpy mode, but really nothing too bad..but the whole team was trying to comfort  (or maybe sedate! him).

My father is getting an angiocardiogram tomorrow and hopefully we will find out the prognosis then. Mum says he seems better but still very weak. However my father is not one for rallying round, his spirit is weak. My mother said he was brave...I don't think he has a choice, but doesn't have the motivation to do much else.

The District and Circle line are down,  I ended up taking a bus to Leicester Square and then getting on the Piccadilly line there.  I had a momentary craving for Chinese desserts but as I was walking down the stairs I let it pass. I never go to Leicester Square without going to the cake shop, so there's a turnout for the books!

I saw an ad for a new show for Ruby Wax.. here it is...!

http://www.rubywax.net/tour.html

She has done a masters in mindfulness  based cognitive therapy  Nickolas Grabovac just for interest.

I will go to one of the shows and report back...anyone want to join me? 2 to 14 March...I like her anyway. And it's just round the corner from work! Result!🐽💜🐽