In memory of Liz

My dear friend Liz Usher passed away March 27 2023.

I forgot about this blog but I think I will write down some memories of our friendship before they pass into a distant memory. 

The phrase about pork scratchings entitling this blog 

Pork scratchings are impermanent, unsatisfactory and cause suffering!

...is one that I wrote after talking to Liz about them. I used to LOVE pork scratchings, I think we talked about them because Liz's dogs loved them but we both thought they were rather unhealthy and that perhaps I should give them up. Hence the reminder that they caused suffering 🤣

I met Liz in an online meditation class - the 7 day meditation kickstart on Facebook, which was the best way to start meditating. It was run by Nick Grabovac. It led to 5 years of serious meditation. We moved on to 30 days of meditating, then 365 days...and it continued!

I think I must have connected with Liz because we had the same name but we soon struck up a friendship which although waned at the end, was always warm and caring. 

When we were in the flow of meditating we would chat every day online. And then one day we cemented our virtual friendship when I went to meet Liz whilst I was visiting Sheffield. 

I marvelled at how tiny the houseboat Liz and Paul lived in. Eventually they moved back into a bricks and mortar home, and the last conversation I had with Liz in October 22 was about how much she had settled in. 

And then I saw the devastating news on Facebook that Liz had died after some medical issues. Remember your friends and cherish them!

Liz and I spent many hours talking about the intricacies of our daily meditations, our failings to meditate daily. We had a Facebook group which we posted to and Andrea used to post there tirelessly and she left us first a few years ago. 

I also arranged for a group of us to go to Anderton to meet up with Liz, I need to dig out those photos. They were very dark for some reason. 🤔

We spoke about our families often, she asked about my mother, everyone asks about my mother, I must talk about her more than I realise.  

George and Cap used to entertain us and I've got a great picture of them leaning on my purple jeans. We took them for a walk one time and Cap ran off to chase squirrels. Liz was mortified. 

I once told Liz that I used to pour salt on slugs and she made me promise not to kill them again. To this day, I don't think I've killed one again - intentionally - I accidentally trod on one, does that count Liz 🤣

You always think that certain people would be there forever, to pick up our conversation again and then all of a sudden Liz wasn't there anymore. Like my friend Peter who died 6 years ago, I think about Liz more than than before. I think of my Aunt who's left us, but thankful I spoke to her nearly every day in the last days of her life. 

I don't sit and meditate much anymore but it's always in the back of my mind. I'll get back to it one day. But till then I will always remember my meditation friends and Liz Usher who made it so much more special.

Miss you my friend, I will remember you. ❤️

First brief meditation back..

3 mins focus on breath and return to breath.

Need to RTFM 🙂

We got it all...

Well, it's a year since the last post. Just about. On 16th April, the world collapsed into a blur.

We got it all...that's what the surgeon said two weeks after my surgery last year. It was numb relief. Good but bad. Good because there was no more treatment, but bad because economics were blown out of the water and I needed to recover somehow.

Anyway, a year later, we're on lockdown. Another surprise, just as I was looking forward to summer... but when?

Everything's shut, we can hit balls in a field. People are jobless. People are dying. It's a dire situation but we're all in it globally.

Ok so I didn't quite make it. Only a few days late.

I sat for 12 minutes, head all befuddled. And I wasn't using a proper medi timer so the tone to end the session made me jump - I was in dullness - maybe lulled by the nice watery music that was playing. Next time no music - back to the old timer.

Thoughts came and went, but came back to the burning issue. There were a lot of sensations - the fan, the music, my posture, all noted.

Anyway more tomorrow ..I hope.

2019 brings trauma

Today I am waiting. Waiting for news.

This news has focused me to clear my house ready for guests.

I restarted my meditation practice a few weeks ago. Before the news. Then the news struck. I look at those friendly reminders on my phone and just stare at them.

But today I will restart, I will. Later I will report on how the practice went.

Waiting is an interesting concept - it's an anticipation of something that may never happen. And our fabulous minds used to facts, make imaginary scenarios facts. I have experienced this in the form of Christian conversion. At 18, I thought I had a conversion experience. I now think it was an form of mindful insight.

I can remember the day almost so clearly. I was lying down in the sunshine, on the crusty grass outside the Halls of Residence - I was in the medics residence because I was there for Easter, and I recall trying to pray. I prayed and felt a moment of clarity as though all around me was impossibly in focus. Now at the time, I associated it with Christian conversion, but now as a reprobate, I realise it was an insight. The hours after glistened in the sun, I saw every blade of yellow grass as though I was looking through a photo lens. The world seemed insignificant and I was in bliss.

Years later, through trauma and trials, I left the religion with my husband. In one instant, it was over. There was relief that we didn't have to face the music, that we didn't have to flagellated verbally by our brethren. Actually what brethren. As it happened only 2 people came to see us - they had stopped us from going round to their house for a cup of tea because of their mother's ill health and I guess now she was dead, they had the time to focus on us. Probably around 2 weeks after we disappeared from the services. No other calls. In fact, when I met a church officer on the train platform on the way to work shortly after, he greeted me summarily and then on the train, sat down diagonally opposite me and opened his religious tome and ignored me.

See, those acts or non acts confirmed my non beliefs. I had been so close, been through so much with all these "friends" and no one came to our rescue, they were frightened/brainwashed by the religion - and I knew that they felt that if they talked to me it would be sinful or detrimental to their faith. I met a couple at the bus stop - and realised that I had been in some sub culture of religion and  yes...brainwashed. Duped. Wasted..

I set to putting my life in order, studying for the degree I should have had 10 years before. I set my life in order and started up the career ladder. After a few years my ex and I parted, and my life began.

Anyhoo 25 years later I am faced with news. It's amazing how much advice people give you that shows they've never been in that situation. I wonder if I did the same. I vow never to again.

So await my meditative practice report...I await for it myself with bated breath.

Service interrupted - an update

Hello!

I ended up recording most of my meditation journal on Evernote! Ah well...

Progress so far, after the sudden death of a dear friend at the beginning of year has knocked me for 6. It took me a few months to climb out of the abyss but now I'm out, summer is hear, I've restarted my Spanish endeavours so meditation is taking a back seat.

However, here's where I got to before the catastrophe. I believe that I am wavering between level 7 and 8 of TMI (the tome) and so am exploring the still point. Have experienced 1st pleasure jhana vehemently but to get to this needs sitting time of longer than 30 mins and usually I find I run out of time.

Anyhoo, it's not over until the fat lady sings...

Week 39 Day 2

Medi object choiceless awareness

Intention to remain alert

Afternoon all! A quick note. Today I attempted to practise but was all over the shop. Full of dreaded work thoughts. I attempted metta but to no avail. In the end I went backwards and forwards in my mind to work thoughts/tube noises/work thoughts/tense feelings etc etc. Got any tips on how to practise if one is totally distracted? As it turned out, work turned out to be bliss as a certain person was on leave. It was almost as though, my mindful fretful efforts had worked some magic to sort things out. Just goes to show that it’s always worse in your head than anywhere else. That’s the second time in as many weeks that that has happened.

Anyhoo, can you believe it’s almost September! Amazing. Only two more months to 30 days of insight and one more month to another course of 30 Days of mindfulness! Where has the time gone?

Hopefully tomorrow I will be calmer and more able to be in the present. I guess if anything this has taught me how I react to stressful situations – I am a planner to the core and just spend all the time thinking about all the possible scenarios that might happen (from the best to the worst!)

Have a great day!

39/2

Week 39 Day 1

Medi object choiceless awareness 
Intention to observe raw sensations and to be thankful for stuff

Afternoon all! Today 30 mins noting followed by short metta sesh. Today I would have played golf but the forecast was bad and none of my buddies were free. So I decided to stay in and later I will go to watch Ant Man!

As I sit I now hear the pitter patter of rain on the window so it was the right decision. I sat in my safe spot on the edge of the bed and observed. The radio was on in the bathroom but it was not too disruptive and every now and then I identified the songs and they stayed in the background of my meditation. The air temperature is just right and the time is just right for contemplation. As the thoughts came in and out of focus I turned to how I was feeling. A sense of calmness and well being pervades despite the difficulties I've had at work this week.  They are impermanent and I am thankful that my life is full of options. I am not tied to anything or anyone that I choose not to be with. As I ponder my work destiny I am thankful that I have skills that the market currently needs. They may not be the most titillating of jobs but you make your own interest and motivation.

Since I have been practising mindfulness my life outlook is more positive. In turn I find I am less bothered by frippery of office life and golf club politics. I have been able to focus on being healthy and happy. And to focus on good friends and my family. And also I am thankful that I have finally found a form of meditation that does not judge me if I can't  sit cross legged on the floor!

Ok so before I get to sit in the cinema my final task for the day is to continue to make progress on decluttering the living room...best get onto it.

Wishing all of you a lovely day and practice.  Thanks for being here.

🐽💜🐽

39/1

Week 38 Day 7

Medi object choiceless awareness 
Intention to remain alert

Evening all! late today and only a short practice, tomorrow foul weather forecast so no golf. Lie in and long practice maybe?

Nice to sit in quietness after busy day. Plenty of thoughts came through. Fan is whirring as it's hot here. The weather was scorching today what a surprise.

Just seen ginormous spider. Definitely not sharing my bed room. Tomorrow he's out!

Have a great weekend!  🐽 💜 🐽

Week 38 Day 6

Medi object choiceless awareness 
Intention to remain alert and receptive to all sensations

Afternoon all! In the lovely sunshine. Sat in the car for a short while to practise. The main sensation was the sun on my face tingling and warm. So warm that half way through I had to switch the air con on! 😅

It's the weekend and after an eventful week so glad it's here. Metta at the end for family and forgiveness.

Have a great weekend! 🐽 💜 🐽

38/6

Ps interview on Wednesday now  

Week 38 Day 5

Medi object choiceless awareness 
Intention to practise metta and some noting

Morning all! Today I focused on metta to try and prepare me for a difficult meeting today. I hope that I can be gracious in the meeting even if it is to tell her I resign! No need to worry it is a contractor's prerogative to leave if things do not develop in the way as hoped. ..a positive - as I will not have to stew in negativity. It was pretty much an experiment anyway since the last project ended.

Metta was warm but difficult when I reflected on people that were not close to me.

Noting was short with thoughts of the day pervading! Arrrgh.

Will update later after meeting! 🐽💜🐽

38/5

Week 38 Day 4

Medi object choiceless awareness 
Intention to remain alert and receptive to all sensations

Morning all! Today back to tube practice. It is a fair day and the trains travel with no issues. As I sit in the carriage I hear phone conversations to my right, the public address system is faulty so the woman only says half a sentence after she announces the station. Then the announcements stop altogether and at one stop I have an eerie feeling that it's my stop and lo and behold it's Hammersmith! The train was gently rolling from side to side in a soporific manner. Thoughts of weight loss, family and holiday came to mind, work only came later.  This was accompanied by purple blocks in front of my eyes.

Metta was sweet and continuous as I reflected on needs and forgiveness.

It's officially hump day and I'm in the office only today and tomorrow yeeehaaa!  Have a lovely day! 🐽 💜 🐽

38/4

Week 38 Day 3

Medi object choiceless awareness 
Intention to observe raw sensations

Morning all! Today I am in a cool hotel room pre golf. Short noting practice followed by metta.

Thoughts of golf politics pervaded the first half of the practice but these faded after a few mins. The air was cool and the room enormous as you can see! Weather good and hoping that golf will be good.

I watched patterns dance on my eyelids for a few moments and then listened to the air con for a while. Sitting is a very calming activity allowing me to fritter away the angst of socialising.

Have to dash,  have a great day! 🐽 💜 🌞 🐽

38 / 3

Week 38 Day 2

Medi object choiceless awareness 
Intention to remain alert

Morning all! A short practice before a busy socialising day. After packing I sat in my usual spot to practise. I allowed my mind to focus on whatever it wished. I observed swirls in front of my eyes, some planning thoughts and the physical sensation of my cooling skin having rushed around first thing.

A very serene yet vibrant session - always feels good about an hour or so after getting up.

Metta to myself then opening out to individuals, families, islands, continents and the whole world. Everyone wants love and kindness, we should send it to them!

Have a great Monday! 🐽💜🎈💜🐽

38/1

Week 38 Day 1

Medi object choiceless awareness 
Intention to remain alert

Evening all! Short meditation on returning home from a busy day and evening.

Golf fab, evening meal and film with friend. Delightful.

I sat to practise cycling through the senses and resting on some key thoughts. All is calm and peaceful here. Eyes very itchy had to apply eye drops.

Tomorrow another busy day. Need to plan carefully! Hope you all had a nice weekend! 🐽 💜 🌞 🐽

38/1

Week 37 Day 7

Medi object choiceless awareness 
Intention to remain alert

Almost forgot to post! I practised this morning for around 40 mins.

The fan was whirring and noisy, and I eventually had to switch it off halfway.  I've also had some trouble with itchy eyed so had to apply eye drops half way through. The room was quiet, the light and patterns danced on my eyelids as I entertained thoughts of holiday, garden and work. Nothing too in depth but some good ideas! 😅

After the final bell went I added some metta practice.

Tomorrow early rise, already late to sleep must get head down!

Have a good day! 🐽 💜 🐽

37/7

Week 37 Day 6

Medi object choiceless awareness 
Intention to remain alert

Very short practice today due to serious nodding tomorrow's should be better.

The sounds of the quiet house wafted into mind. As did the unusual noises outside what we're they?

Metta at the end.

Today the rain do not drench us so we had a great time. A charity day I think we raised £3500 thereabouts for the British Heart Foundation.

More golf tomorrow but just a social game!

Have a great weekend!🐽💜🐽

37/6

Week 37 Day 5

Medi object choiceless awareness

Intention to remain alert

Evening all! Shorter practice today but remained alert throughout even though it's late. One can never anticipate how one will feel! Very quiet, neighbour has gone abroad. Calm and peaceful but some thoughts of the day. Today not so productive golf wise, had to come off after 5th hole because of thunder and lightning. Matches abandoned. But still ,a aged to run some errands which was a bonus, 

Hoping for better weather tomorrow....

Have a great Friday! 🐽💜🐽

37/5

Week 37 Day 4

Medi object choiceless awareness 
Intention to remain alert

Morning all! Today a toob meditation. My eyes have been itching like crazy so I will need to head to the pharmacy for meds.

However the itching was an exercise in impermanence as the discomfort has now stopped. However a new session may flare up this evening!

Metta at the end for my niece and me.

I struggled with planning thoughts for work but had a great idea for going to interviews! 😅

Bad weather is on the horizon but golf in the rain is better than work any day! 🐽 💜 🐽

Have a great day!

37/4

Week 37 Day 3

Medi object choiceless awareness 
Intention to observe raw sensations

Evening all! Meditated on the tube this morning. Busy at work so posting now.

Felt calm and neutral. And tried to focus on what was around me. A fidgeting man next to me! But it seemed very quiet and subdued on the train. Maybe the weather?

Tried to be positive and productive at work and seemed to be ok. Tried to be aware of whole picture rather than telescopic niggle bits.

Count down to golf. Just need the weather to behave!

Have a good evening! 🐽💜🐽

37/3